hi. let's just say i had a brief encounter with death last night. last night went to stayover at lorr's place after meeting brandon. and i wasn't feeling well, sorethroat and all right? then ya, those who do know how bad my tonsilitis are.. they will lead to asthma attack. and last night, cus somemore slept in aircon room, i had an asthma attack at abt 2am. it was scary. i couldn't breath and i didnt wanna cough .. i didnt wanna disturb my aunt. so i quickly ran to the loo to try and cough out and do breathing exercises. the phlegm got stuck and i was hugging the toilet seat, puking. and i just cried. i felt better, but breathless still. i looked myself in the mirror.. and boy, i looked shagged. from life. i never admit that im tired. i do admit that im sleepy, but just never admit that im tired. i always wanna fill my life up with stuff. so that i wont ever get bored. but i've been doing it for almost a year now, and its tiring. im pimply, eye-bagged, puffy, fat, disgusting-haired. no wonder i am still on the shelf.
i have been leading the most uncommonly weird life over the past years. i always never sleep earlier than 1am. im always in bed at 2, 3am.. which explains why i never concentrate in class. and i stay up not to study, but to.. do nothing. just watching videos, see other people's fb profiles, envying them and their big social circles and hawt boyfriends. i dont know why? its pathetic.. my life. not meaningful. after doing the yearbook, i practically have been doing NOTHING productive. after sly left me, i have never dared to stand up alone. remember the days when i used to watch movies in the cinema alone.. went shopping alone and still be all chirpy about it? I HAVENT BEEN DOING THAT FOR AGES. in fact, i just thought to myself, what a loner i was. but i guess, i need to be independant. independant of friends, boys, parents.
anyway, i went to bed last night, hardly even able to breath. lets just say that, when u have an asthma attack, if you don't make yourself breath, you will kinda not breath? i was scared.. i thought of teresa teng, remembered that she died of asthma. i didnt have my huff and puff with me. i just.. don't know how, but i pull myself up and dozed off. but it was so hard.. because i woke up with like.. a punctured lung. and i had to fake that im ok, so as not to worry my uncle and aunt. so once in a while, i'll take a big mouthful of air and try to look normal, when im not. haha. but its alright. i dont want them to worry.
and, i guess i have proven myself right ONCE AGAIN. i knew that i will never ever fit when it comes to relationships and love. i was naive. after sly's case, i never learn! i still thought... wow, this might be it? but yup. love, in reality, is for good looking or lucky people. (this is purely my thoughts la. so don't come and shoot me) .. i guess, i was really looking for another person who would make my heart race .. like sly did. thats why i have been derailed from life and been busy searching high and low for that person. and when someone offered his love on a silver platter, i grabbed it without consequences. but, well, it was just another cycle. lol! naive shirley ar. no one is to be blamed. honestly, i should have known my limits. everytime such things happen, i always have reggie to depend on. but nw, reggie's not here. she was right anyway. i was right too. i was just hopping for some guy to prove me wrong. but i guess, im sooo wrong. up to this point, i'm gonna just sit back already. screw love. what the hell is that? feel like joining renee zellweger in her march for "down with love". im too tired for another roller coaster ride. from now on, no more relationships until i can feel assured. no more "trying out". in fact, im not going to go for it anymore. fuck it all. i need a break. i know im desperate because after seeing all my friends having such wonderfully sweet bfs, i long for someone to wish me good morning everyday, goodnight every evening, wondering how my day was, making sure im a good girl when im sick, being concerned if i went clubbing.. but its alright. i can do all these myself. or with my friends. im so silly. always thinking that only guys can do that. hahah.
anyway, really hope everything's fine with reggie. heard thailand's a big mess now. ]= worried for her leh.
this is probably gonna be a new phase in my life for me. i didn't write new year's resolution this year, and i guess if there can't be a better time than now to start writing a resolution for myself at this point of time:
1. always set priorities right. whatever that has to be done first, will and must be done first.
2. be committal. i am always the first to wanna try things, but i never ever stick of the end of it. eg. driving, wearing contacts..
3. read the papers everyday. at least be in touch with current affairs
4. write at least 2 topics on public blog. about anything.
5. read up more on politics. maybe get an issue of forbes/times etc
6. set $50 at least aside as savings every month
7. give 10% of whatever salary to parents. start practising this habit..
8. stop any online dating. fuck them all.
9. for at least 4/7 days a week, must sleep by 11pm max.
10. can only buy books after reading those have already bought.
11. pick up a new skill
12. at least 3 times a week must do cardiovascular activities
13. change hairstyle.
14. must have at least 1 day a month, where i go out on my own. just on my own.
15. learn to cook a new dish every month! and blog abt it!
16. finish reading the twilight series
17. start watching a new drama serial (glee? gossip girl?)
18. get a tattoo. wee~
19. club at least 2 more times before the year ends! WEE~
20. try a new club!
21. be the fashionista i used to (in my opinions) be!
22. get the goddamn national geographic book!
23. complete L4d2 maps in normal mode.
24. be purely happy for people. and not tinted with envy. just pure happy.
25. go back to yoga?
26. cycle to changi village from ecp at least 2 more times!
27. rent a damn car and drive arnd sg just for the fun of it!
28. discover more fun stuff to do in sg. im pretty sure there are more than what i think there is.
hmmmmmmmmm. i guess thats it? will fill them up again. ok. welcome back, shirley. welcome back.
happy new year, shirley!
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