i feel like a loser

well, in the past weekend, i met up with lionel. and honestly, i've never felt more inferior than ever. firstly, he passed his driving like 2 weeks ago and he's going down slopes of multi-storey carparks. and me? still having the phobia of going behind the wheel. i figure that my blurness will surely kill somebody in time to come. so i'm really really scared to drive. i dont think i'll be able to be responsible enough to drive properly. sigh. secondly, he's studying in smu. doing sociology. omg. smu is my dream uni since i was in sec 3. and socio is my favourite subject now. he's really leading the life i wanna live. and that day we went past smu, and my another cousin said, "hey, look, your future school". and i just .. my heart wrenched. i felt fucking envious. and small. and inferior. so i was quiet through the journey. lorraine is like, smart and pretty even without trying. and she gets guys flocking to her without trying too. then, just now, kieran is in a relationship with this fucking chio girl. omg. kieran leh! sigh. i bet alyssa has a bf too. then everyone has something they're good at. except me. i feel really like a loser. like, im never good at anything. i dont have alot of friends. i dont have a very busy social life like regina. i dont have a bf. i dont even have any potentials. like, i just live in my fantasy world with my perfect boyfriend. and yeah. thats where i get love. and when it comes to my studies, it used to be my strength. but i dont want to be the "muggertoad" anymore. sigh. i don't know what drives my life anymore. but i guess, the way to go now, is to study hard, hopefully i can do well enough to do a masters in london so that i'll feel worthy about myself. to be honest, with the amount of playing i did in poly, i dont deserve to go smu. and as i've said before, i will never trade those playtimes for anything in the world. never. so, yeah. what do i really want for my life? if i wanna boyfriend, i just need to accept brandon's date. but i'll be dating a douche who will probably break my heart. sigh. why can't i fight for what i want? i really really will wallow in this big bag of self pity sooner or later. everyone's prettier than me. everyone's luckier than me. everyone's life seems more awesome than mine. sigh!!!! oh gosh. i just dont know. what should i do? someone throw me an answer?

Thoughts about 1st day @school

well, to be honest, i'm not feeling that school re-opening is all bad. i feel that my life has a structure once again and im feeling normal. able to blog. able to think properly. able to function while being alone. unlike the days when i was jumping from job to job, or during holidays, it just feels that my life didnt have a structure. but now, at least i know i have a routine to stick to for the next couple of months to come. hmm, maybe i really am cut out to be an accountant. so rigid and all. i guess i just missed having a routine + laughter in my life. yeah. perfect formula. haha.

actually, who am i to complain about life? i'm only 20 (i guess its an age many grown ups wanna return to) and i am about to embark on a promising education. i still have my good friends around me. i have a good and proper family. i have a clean bill of health. what more should i complain about huh? im really lame. yeah, so what if my life cannot be as noisy and fun as it used to... and cannot be compared to others. well, but i do lead my life, so i guess it has to be my way.

the thing is, i havent been aware of it until now that.. actually although i used to say that im independent on my own and can make myself happy.. well.. im wrong. my smile consists of my friends, family.. especially my darling boomzers, reggie and welbsie. they all make me. thats why, when they slowly become more detached (but still in touch) from my life, i slowly fell apart.. yup. time to pick myself up. think of the greater good i guess. i'll try my best to hang on. but maybe, like the kite theory, the only way for it to fly higher, is to let go.

well, thats what i did with the guy i like. well, truth be told, i still like him. but sometimes, i wonder if i really do because i like him as him, or because he was the only guy suitable in my life. if its the latter, i'd rather not tell him anything. but at this point of my life, as much as i wished i had a Mr Right, my friends and families far outweigh having a boyfriend. and i really like him alot but our precious precious friendship is so so important to me, i can never ever think what i would do without it. let's just say, he is one of the reason i am strong and smiling today. :) so, i've decided. i want him to be happy. and if being with me makes him happy, of course it is the best la. but if being with someone else who loves him makes him happy, i'll smile for him too. :) i've decided. i know, on lonely nights like tonight, i will look back and wished i had told him. but overall, no regrets. ahah. i'll never wanna be the cause of anyone's misery. lol! and i don't know if its sheer coincidence, but they're playing "i'll be there" on class95 (slowly, i feel mr young's section abit irritating. especially the celebrity's birthday phonecall segment). so, yup. to whom it may concern,

"I'll reach out my hand to you, I'll have faith in all you do
Just call my name and I'll be there

I'll be there to comfort you,
Build my world of dreams around you, I'm so glad that I found you
I'll be there with a love that's strong
I'll be your strength, I'll keep holding on

Let me fill your heart with joy and laughter
Togetherness, well that's all I'm after
Whenever you need me, I'll be there
I'll be there to protect you, with an unselfish love that respects you
Just call my name and I'll be there

If you should ever find someone new, I know he'd better be good to you
'Cause if he doesn't, I'll be there
Don't you know, baby, yeah yeah
I'll be there, I'll be there, just call my name, I'll be there..."



so yup. i guess, im pretty much prepared to walk on la. :)

p/s: i fucking hope i can club on childrens day! omg. with martin out and be able to club with anita. =D AWESOME!

Empty..

honestly, i was perfectly fine before my birthday but suddenly, after all the celebrations died down, i felt so so so empty inside. im 20. about to step into adulthood. i have no idea what i should change. who i should be anymore. i felt so independant before 12 sept. now, i feel like i just need to hold on to someone for emotional support just like when we entered primary 1 and needed our mummies to hold our hands into the classroom and let the teacher hold on from there. i need that kind of support now. i guess, before 12 sept.. everything was boomz! i had great work, great colleague, i was meeting up with my friends.. i still had what i want. i was emotionally independant. after 12 sept.. my 2 emotional pillars were kinda gone. and i was supposed to be a young adult. and suddenly, life felt so quiet. so i needed to be in imaginationland everyday to get through. really. i had to "borrow" someone to get me through for a while until i can stand on my own... kinda like trainee wheels. yeah. sigh.

Shopaholic shirley IS BACK!!

yeah. the title says it all.bloody start to the day. i wonder, if i don't get pregnant, will i be menstruating and going through all these pain and sufferings in vain?

have been a bit busy past couple of nights. met up with reggie for sakae sushi dinner at tiong bahru on tuesday night. was naise chatting up. hahhaha. hmm... and last night met up with the girls and huiwen! so longggg since i met her. abit awkward initially but i feel she hasnt changed much! hahaha. but yeah, we kept talking about the past. hmmm... yup.. i love the fish from astons. feel like having it tonight but gonna eat steamboat with colleagues.

sigh. bro and mum going Shanghai. gosh! i would loveee to go shanghai. but they're going for like 4 school days leh. im not sure how the system is like yet, plus im going to have 2 modules without friends. so, i dont think i can afford it... sigh! as in, its too risky. especially after the panick attack for econs, theres no way im gonna risk it again. so ya. but shanghai! its the place i would most wanna visit in China!! i feel its so.... sophisticated. GAH!

ever since i got the extra money, i've been shopping. finally got stuff from modcloth. i tell u, i regretted the instant i clicked confirm. i just realised the heftiness of the shipping fee! omg! well, i wont reveal it here, but its an amount enough to splurge with satisfaction in F21. and yeah, last night spent almost $200 on toiletries and beauty stuff which i have been putting off for the past couple of months cus of me being broke. but boy, did it feel soooooooooooooooooooo good splurging, even if its at watsons! god knows how long ago i buy things i WANT and not just need. i MUST splurge at f21 and toppie this month. bday month RULES! bday month + having-alot-of-extra-income month totally rocks my boat. i haven't felt sooo.... happy (in the area of shopping) in MONTHS! but of course, i will put a portion into my london funds before i ... -rubs hands- go SHOPPPPINGGG!!! but then, this year, im gonna learn from past years. i'm not going to splurge on things i like on the spot. i will think about it then go back, unless i've already been desiring for a long time. ZOMG! i can't wait to go shopping. omg!!! and since school is starting, im gonna dye hair and also get new stationery as well!

i know, alot of u reading my blog have seen the days where i only have $5 in my savings account. and you must be shaking your head at the above paragraph. and yes, i do know your kind intentions. i promise not to buy on impulse la. i mean, shopping HAS ALWAYS been a HUGE part of my life. i guess its there to fill the void where love, relationships should be at. i guess its this because usually when i feel that im in love, i seldom shop. haha. and vice versa. but going around shops, looking at trends, looking at the beautiful prints/ designs/ fabric/ accessories/ shoes/ furniture/ random cute stuff is like an instinct for me. i just need to do that. i just love the feeling of getting what i like/ want! ahahaha. but then, after going through the feeling of being broke and scrimping and just.. walking away from all these goddamnit beautiful things which i want, it reduces the shopaholic in me to dwarf size. i guess people call that growing up. i loook more for the quality rather than quantity. i look more for love for the item rather than just wanting it. furthermore, nowadays (apart from the recent modcloth spree), i will look at the item/s and decide if its worth giving up travelling for! hahaha. yeah. its a good motivation. but damn! i need new clothes and nice shoes! hahah!

and also, recently, i gotta know this girl called Serene from MOM. she knows how to groom dogs, she has her own online shop and shes also in uol. i've been looking at part time courses and i might wanna pick up a new skill. and to do so, i need the money. im looking more at the arts side. well, no one knows this, but i secretly have always wanted to know if i have the potential in interior design. hahaa. i know la, its silly. hmm, i dont know la. wanting and doing it is 2 different matters. so, just exploring my options. haha.

yup. hmmm, feels good to blog. the office is god damn quiet. and im so sick of getting scolded day in day out. sigh! as much as i wished this would all end, i wished it wouldn't. i dont wanna go to school. sigh!

anyway, i feel that i have quite a lot of feelings for him still. oh well. better to not dwell into the "forbidden" area of life! hahaa. okay la, im gonna shit. tummy damn pain. hahaha. maybe will blog later. fuck my work. gahhh!

Need to make an effort

The problem with me is that, i always never put in enough effort. that is why my life is mediocre. when the going gets tough, i get going (away). i never have enough determination to see through to something. the only thing that i actually put in effort to complete and see it through, is my yearbook. which is why it is my baby. but it wasn't without the pushing and encouraging from my lecturers and colleagues. ok, examples of friends who has something in their life that, they constantly do:

1. Albsie - his drawing
2. shu xian - her bowling/ photography
3. bro- photography/ bowling
4. dad - bowling
5. emma - her studies
6. regina - her online shopping
7. ryan foo - his computer games

the list just goes on.. as for me, it just seems like, theres no one particular part of my life that i put dedication and effort in. well, the only thing - Facebook. but thats not even real life lor. i mean, if i were to label myself with an actvity.. its only blogging. and its not even an achievement lor. i mean, its just rants and complaints. sometimes my english is broken too.

just look at my life.. i tried to start an exercise regime and i gave up. i tried a diet regime, and i gave up. i said i had passion for writing.. and now, i don't even write professionally. then i wanna be the career woman, and i don't even study hard enough. i said i wanna save for london, and i cannot see through to it. honestly, what the hell do i really wanna do with my life sia? when i think back, im so fucking frustrated! what do i really want? and when i decide what i want.. why do i get going when the going gets tough?? even for games, i stopped mapling when i hit level 50+ cus it got tough. once i hit a certain level on o2 jam, i just stop improving? the only thing i've probably dedicatedly done these years, is blogging. and i'm not even getting better. myohmy. what is the purpose of my life, really?

i don't care. i'd better sort my life out and decide what i really wanna do and just stick with it, through thick and through thin. fuck it.

A nice, solid blogpost to clear the bowels of my emotions

Finally, im going to ignore my tutorials and just blog the shit outta me. i've been thinking and thinking about.. alot of things. quick re-cap of my week,

tuesday went to watch "Despicable Me" with the usual. omg. the first reason i watched it, was because there was steve carrell in it! how can i not support Michael Scott?! hahaha!but then, OMFG. ITS REALLY DAMN CUTE AND HILARIOUS. I FUCKING DONT MIND WATCHING IT AGAIN. the minions, the children... will just make you smile. its going on the top of my list of "movies that makes me smile". hahahah! i seriously ... wanna get into that world of.. minions and high-pitched talking! haahhahaha!

wednesday, went to have buffet at heerens, called kiseki. the food's ok la, but alot of variety. but the waffles are AWESOME!!!!!! rushed to make adeline a "remember singapore" giftpack. i was making the "read this if u miss singapore" book. hahahhaha. took me a whole night, plus half the econs lecture, pasting the pictures into the book. hahaha! but i really enjoy scrapbooking. just that, it takes a lot of time and money. gahh. but oh well, all's good.

today, after school, we went to send adeline tan off to australia.. though i was joking and jesting... i felt pretty emotional especially when i saw her family members crying and hugging her and waving goodbye. now this is where im going to start my emotional blogpost. i even muted 987fm to blog properly. really, theres a fact that cannot be denied, as i grow older, the ability of me multitasking just goes downhill.

*****************************************

last night when i came home from kiseki. i just.. thought to myself... "wow. adeline's going to be sleeping in a different bed tomorrow night..."and i put myself in her shoes. i almost cried. though it wasn't even me who's flying off. but also, im about to embark on a journey where i am not sure of whats popping out when i turn the corner. i just feel that, wow.. a part of our class have left. yeah, although she'll be back in december, but the fact remains is... adeline going to australia just shows us the reality that people are moving on, whether i like it or not. willie's going to army at month end.. this also shows.. he's moving on. our class - DAC/3B/04, slowly branching out and into the lifes that no longer revolves around SP. our lives are slowly becoming less of a concern to people who used to be once upon a time. although i've clearly experienced this kinda things more than once in my life, with primary school and secondary school.. but its different for me now. i feel so.. attached to SP that its sad that im slowly becoming the few left hanging on dearly onto the happy life i once led. ever since i've entered SIM, i thought that i have managed to let go. but i still have that one pinky, holding onto the ledge on this.. cliff. but as i saw adeline leave just now, its like a needle popping that bubble of facade i've been holding on to. yes, shirley, time to get back on the ground. but i still wanna live in that bubble. the happy bubble. not this, real, mortifying ground. but just carry on floating in that bubble. where.. i had the ocassional crush.. where because i had friends i knew i could rely on, i wasn't afraid of taking risks. where, there were times i was alone, but i never felt lonely. when the sun sets, reality will set in and we need to move on...

fuck growing up.
fuck adulthood.
fuck having to take responsibilities.
fuck having to feel guilty for having fun.
fuck for smiling because i dont want people around me to frown.
fuck for not being able to be real because society hates people who are real.
fuck for wanting to be real but just cannot.
and fuck for always having dreams that seem impossible to fulfill judging by how many people will be implicated because of my actions.
fuck having to see people living my dream while i can only sit here and wish.
fuck people who thinks im lazy/coward because i just made the above comment.
fuck people who don't understand the complications involved.
fuck life for being complicated.
or in other words,
fuck me for having no balls and too much conscience.

another thought while i saw adeline walking through and into the departure hall, despite the tears and sadness (btw, i thought adeline was very very brave for not crying and breaking down. because, if it was me, i wouldnt allow ppl to send me off. because i know that if they do, i will change my mind about leaving)... the only thought in my head was "how i wished i was there, in her shoes" right now, especially after the holidays, u have no idea how much i would want to start my life on a clean slate. develope a brand new identity. choose the character i wanna be again. go to a land where no one knows me. and be a new person. i even said out loud, "look at adeline, starting a new life ahead.. and me? im stuck in SIM." i could imagine my feelings. though i would be emotional, but thinking of waking up to a brand new place, with a brand new life i can create .. is just soo... blood-rushingly exciting! its so.. "i wanna make my life worthwhile" mentality. plus, australia IS the land of hawt guys in board shorts and cute smiles. also the land of hot bikini babes. imagine the dudes adeline's gonna meet! hahahah! i would like to try to lead my own life by my rules (without parental guidance) and see how far i can go! i wanna be my own parent! how i crave for that day!

ok.. moving on to the next topic. that day, i was listening to desiree lai.. and there was this girl who called in saying she's really sad cus she lost a friend. turns out, she became gf/bf with her best friend, and they broke up and now, they can't be together. well, i've decided to never ever tell winnie how i feel. i cannot afford to lose this friendship. i'd rather be single lor. i'd rather see him get a better girl anyway. unless circumstances change, but highly likely, i will never confess. i'll prolly rant to the usual people, but other than that, nope.. no chance.

well, let's just say that another friend has bit the dust of singletondom! less and less people on the shelf. and im clearly the can of soup placed right at the back of the shelf, so unless someone makes an effort to climb the ladder, stretch in and get me, if not, i'll be on that shelf forever in that same spot, and always being placed behind newer and fresher cans of soup until i expire. and then, i'd be discarded into a dustbin and be recycled to be the wall of some house. not complaining.. just observing.

and i need to scold myself for one of the above posts - how can i complain that "i'm only in SIM" when so many other children out there don't have a chance for education. shame on me.

im just having alot alot alot of thoughts. haha.. its drowning me alot. hahaha. guess i'd better treasure my frienships before they also bite the dust.

a quote i came up with and am proud of:

"there are many times in life when we don't need to be at an airport or a funeral to know that the people around us have already left our lives. "

ciao.

p/s: omg! tingfang getting all hyped up for SIM's summer school programme (Cus she recently found out they have programmes in korea) is getting me eggcited about me being able to go holland (and wear oranje/blow vuvuzuela) or London (maybe can meet Sam, my very old online friend from london. he's not old. our friendship is. met him frm sec school and we're still in touch!). yay! hope it will come true cus most likely not travelling outta the country this year. o.o its a draught for me. ]:

please don't kill paul!

the other reason i watch world cup is because there's paul! Hahha. Sigh. After he has given people lotsa fortune, we kill him just because he's too good!! Wth. i mean, the octopus didnt ask for the 2 boxes to be placed in front of him right? Since its there, he just happened to pick the correct box. Can't blame him! Gahhh. We're really selfish and arrogant. He's also a life too right? Oh well.

Hows life, you ask me? Well. This week's been pretty colourful! Lotsa meeetups with different friends. Makes me feel that my presence on this planet has some sort of use. Instead of just being a parasite. I guess, i like being made used of. Hahaha. Nt in the bad way la.. But i rlly like it when ppl ask me for advice. Not just on studies, but in life too? Or love. Though i may not have much experience myself, but i do have a lot of experience with my friends. And i can.. Try to help. If nt, im rlly a good listener. :) i dont mind being ur cushion. So ya. Ppl who see this, just find me lor. If u need a listening ear. Theres no such thing as too stupid or too small. Alot of problems begin small, plus.. Now that im single and not v sociable.. I've got quite a lot of spare time in my hands. :)

Sigh. Gonna send ade tan off nxt week. To aussie. This is another reality check that ppl have rlly moved on. I mean, alot of time, when someone passes away.. It'll be sad initially. But u wont feel the impact untiil u have to live life without his/her presence anymore. Thats sadder than even knowing about e fact that he's gone. Its living the fact that hurts. Yaa. Sigh. August will come and everyone will start school. Just hope that i wont be some lame ass who becomes so social life-deprived that i will turn into an introvert. For me, keeping my mouth shut is gonna be one huge torture. Of course, being a natural introvert.. Its not hard for me to keep my mouth shut if i feel inferior.

I guess, i've slowly grew to the fact that in life, there'll be moments when its so quiet, a small ripple would cause a huge wave for me. And then there will be the busy moments where i have so much to do that i didnt even notice that australia had a change in prime minister. :( fuck my general knowledge. Need to brush up.

And after the whole nerdy guy saga, i've decided. I'm not gonna do the chasing when it comes to love anymore. Sigh. Anyways, i think no one will want me even i presented myself on a silver platter... So.. well.. I'll just.. Wait lor. Ahahhaha. Cus right, i was giving someone love advice earlier.. And i just cant rlly see myself following my own advice. Maybe, i just want a few close friends, like now. Thats alright for me. Hahaha! Its like what the horseshoe said 'some women Are not meant to be tamed. They just wait for someone just as wild to run along with them' earlier on, was talking to family and we talked about aunty agnes. Nt sure if she still reads my blog. But anyway.. Im so proud of her! She got retrenched earlier frm the crisis.. So she took a holiday and travelled across australia on her own! Woooooo. I'd love to travel alone. Nt all the time of course! But imagine the things u can see .. I mean, u can go and see things u rlly wanna see! Eg. Male strip club! Hahahahaha. If i were w my husband or bf, cannot wad. Hahaha. And who knows whom i'll meet while travelling right??? It'll be like those chick lits.. Where ppl fall in love in tahiti! :) plus, im rlly so used to oogling at handsome strangers in public places. Esp when i see my type.. Abit macho with nerd specs, but clearly not nerds kinda guys. I remembered when i was with sly, i actually tried to ignore so many hawties. teeheehee. Plus when i club, i do dance with strangers. Im not being a hooker.. But handsome strangers are mysterious. Of course, as i grow older, the more i hope to establish my own family and become a slave to my husband and children. Its sad, considering how carefree i naturally am. But i just cant help but hope to be tied down to a family. I tell u though. Its in every girl's blood to wanna get married. I'm serious. There rlly isnt any girl who doesnt wanna get married even if they die also wont admit. Like me la. Who wants to be alone forever and die alone in apartment without anyone realising? But thing is, u might be married and have kids and STILL die alone in apartment without anyone noticing. But getting married is a risk alot of women will wanna take. But i guess, if i cant get married to the right guy, of course he doesnt have to be perfect, but has to fulfil majority of the criteria i do have in mind, i might as well be married to the idea of travelling the world. :) at least, i might die in a terrorist attack and not boringly in an apartment. Yup. I'll hope that the right guy comes along lor.. Cus life is rlly sian if everyone in my inner social circle gets attached and im still single.. hahha.

Hahaha. Of course, every coin has 2 sides.

having someone in your life means that when u're down.. U have a shoulder to lean on and life wont feel so bad. And when u're happy, it becomes happier when someone feels happy that u're happy. When u fail, they cushion ur crush and when u suceed, it tastes sweeter because someone is there to be proud of u as if its their own sucess but then, jealousy is something like the black spiderman suit shown in spiderman3. It covers up ur genuinely nice and openminded personality and turns u into a monster no one can recognise. U become distraught, lost, sad, angry for the slightest things. And also, it takes alot of effort to make a good relationship. And thing is, what if its all not meant to be at the end of the day? Both parties will just be tired and frustrated and u cant find ur old self anymore, the old self before all these fairytale happened.

Being single is fun too. We decide things for ourselves. We dont need to worry about hurting the other party for any decisions we make. We have the freedom of flirting with anyone and anywhere. So what if we will be judged? Hahah. We wont be jealous.. and we'll be used to being alone, its ok with or without a guy. Life goes on. We dont need to make umpteen number of unnecessary phone calls to make sure that our beloved isnt flirting around. We wont have to give in or compromise our true selfs for them.i know alot of ppl say, when they're in a r/s, they're still themselves and being true to themselves. Really? I doubt. There will definitely be changes to ur tastes and stuff unconsciously that u aren't aware of. And u wont be able to thoroughly live life the way u want it to be. And life becomes soooooo revolved around that one person, there is alot to lose if u miss a step. Whereas being single, we aint got nothing to lose. although u might say love makes it all worth it, but really? Ppl become anxious and panicky when they think they're gonna lose it! But idk. I just.. Hate the feeling of losing something. And since everyone is allocated the same number of hours in a day, u'll definitely lose touch of ur friends, or some.. Because.. Someone is occupying ur time. I mean, some ppl say its a bliss... But... As for me, friends are so fucking impt, i cant imagine losing them without knowing.of course, being single can suck too. Esp on valentines day and similar ocassions because u'd be home watching re-runs of titanic when the whole world is in love. Its nice to go out w friends but sucks when everything on the menu is meant for a 2-persons. And u'll definitely feel alone even with the biggest bunch of e closest single friends! What about when ur friends start getting attached.. And u're always the third wheel. Gosh, how can i not knw how a third wheel feel??? I have played that part so often, i got numb to it. U feel like u shud jolly well disappear frm the surface of this planet.. Instead of being the reason for the awkwardness around. And seeing the couple being lovey-dovey, though u might feel like puking and fainting, u cant deny the tinge of envy. And also, at night, when all ur friends are busy, u wished u had someone u can turn to to just chat.. and what about.. Missing the feeling of being cherished. Or being the centre of someone's world? Now thats quite a torture. And the worse thing about being single?? U look around, and u think hes the perfect one. And then, hes attached too.. And yeah. Its like.. So unstable. Life is so unstable.

Hahahaha. Ohmygooshhh. Im so bored.. Till i can type this kinda shit. Hahaha. No offence to anyone leh. Im rlly just blogging abt my opinion. But im so used to being single..i just become numb to the cons of being single. Of course, i'll wanna push my luck and try it out if someone right comes along. Hahahah. My youth is running out and i sometimes really wonder if it will even be possible nt.

I rlly rlly cant picture myself being in the centre of someone's world. Im too... Inferior. Look around and theres so many good-looking, good personality girls around. And girls who have less bullshit than me. I've got too much shit in me alr. and i rlly dont know how to be that sweet girl to the guy i love. Even to nerdy guy, i was all brotherly and stuff. Sigh. but at e same time, i cant imagine giving up any part of my social life for any guys. And i also cant imagine nt being jealous. I'll confirm feel inferior and jealous. Oh gosh. Hence my conclusion: just wait and see. Hahha! Thats all. Fingers are tired. Ciao. All the best to everyone!

A terrible friend i am.

sometimes, i feel like im the worst friend one can have. even the worst human being. sometimes i just place my interests before those of my friends. sometimes i neglect how they feel. fuck man. sometimes i dont know if i deserve any friends even. oh well. another day tomorrow. 2 more days to work..

A horse at heart

heyhey! headed to pixar exhibition ytd with benny. haha. have been wanting to go and it was good. it would have been better if i actually slept earlier the night before. it was super amazing to actually learn how the animation actually worked behind the scenes and to see how the magicians actually can create something so magical. but the sad thing was there was only a teeny weeny section on UP. which is the one i was most looking forward to. Up is the bestest animation film i have ever caught. i would say, after shrek and tarzan. the storyline and the characters are hard to forget. little dialogue but unforgettable scenes. russell will forever be the cutest boy i'll ever know! hahhaa. after that, headed to swensons for dinner and went home. watched tv and then chatted with friends awhile and headed to bed.

woke up today at about 1pm. watched price is right. LOL. what better way to start a day than to listen to drew carrey's hearty laughter and voice the moment i woke up [: made some cup noodles. then went to pack up my poly notes. well, clearing up the last of what reminds me of my SP campus life and putting them into the blue recycling bag really is nostalgic. SP will be the best thing that has ever ever happen to me. packed some notes for Georgey boy. put in my sweet valley books according to book number into the box and now its neat and tidy in a corner. also prepared rough paper stack for SIM. past exam papers printed on one side.. notes too. haha. ok, i now need to stock up on random stationery to be fully equipped for my road to university. i really feel less excited as i used to think i would have for university. but my goal would be to: get out of UOL with a degree and hopefully with merit and pursue a masters hopefully in london. and when i come out, i wanna work and earn alot of money with decent breaks per year for me to travel to every single city featured on the weather reports. [: thought about it well and well. whether im going to go these cities alone, with friends, with good friends, with family or just people who share similar interest, i will travel to a different city every single year! so, at least now, i do have something in life to look forward to. plus, im following quite a few travel bloggers on twitter. so nice to see them blog about something new they've seen and heard everyday. i would very much wanna do that. whether i'm exploring a city, or the suburbs, or countryside, i wanna do that very very much. [:

which leads me to the title of this blogpost as well as my current tweet - a horse at heart. i've thought through it last night and actually alot of times, i actually think through it. do i really wanna be attached? for more than half my teenage life, i have been pursuing dreams of having a good boyfriend. steven being the longest standing crush of my life. haha. 3 years. brian shohei teo remains the best catch i will ever have a crush upon. sly will be the best date and the most perfect chemistry guy i've ever met although he was a fucking jerk in the end. tommy will also be one of the unforgettable guys i'll ever know.. i know it isn't alot. i've got friends who only had 1 guy in their entire lives. and i have known people, very close people, who will have more steads thus far than i will ever have in my entire life. we always chase for girls and boys with the image of happily ever after and for that someone who will love us just the way we are. like mr darcy. i am to, who wouldn't. but as someone very wise (you know who you are) reminded me, love goes both ways. i am lucky to ever have loved and been loved once before, although it was a very brief period. but i guess what im looking for, is that again. through these guys in my life and because of age itself, i would dare say that i've slowly learned to become less and less dependent on them. i daresay that right now, i am very happy to be on my own. i have wonderful friends surrounding me. i have a goal in my life now. i have a very loving family who loves me. everyday, i fill my life up with the happiness bgr can't give. don't i wanna have a change and see what life can give me? well. not at the moment. im really loving it the way it is. i have hardly anything to complain about. yeah, i will definitely be envious of my friends and their hot/loving boyfriends. but i guess, i dont really hate complaining about such stuff. everyone has resentment, in a relationship or not. sometimes we work so hard to achieve something and before we even enjoy the rewards, we want to go higher. like when i go on holidays, when we took about half an hour to climb the hill, we only look at the breath-taking view for 10 minutes and everyone were in a rush to get down to go off to some other place. so i guess, to put it in that context, i'm just spending a longer time looking at the breath-taking view before coming down. like today, just kicking back, planning for nathan's surprise birthday dinner, watching random tv shows while making comments out loud, blogging, eating the magnum ice cream in the fridge, sipping the hot green tea beside me makes me relaxingly happy. it isn't heart-beat racingly happy. but i love this. honestly. im not trying to sugar coat my life. lol! because i have been raised in a very strict and uptight family environment, i always look forward to freedom and being carefree. i do believe that having horse as a zodiac has a lot to do with this too. maybe, i love the feeling of running down a never ending meadow by nature. but having cooped up in this urban, concrete jungle that i am, in this closely monitored, controlled family, i treasure my freedom. right now, at 20 years old and slowly able to taste my freedom in bite sizes, i don't think that right now, i would wanna belong to anybody. i don't wanna belong to another person. maybe i'll change my mind when i grow up. but i just wanna belong to me. right now, im too selfish to love anyone at the expense of my freedom. some might say, its ok, just let me love you. but u see, in my opinion, love is to love and be loved in return. if i don't wanna love, i don't wanna be in any relationship. not anytime soon for sure. i'm having a good time just doing the things i want, hanging out with the people i love, reading the things that i wanna read and stuff like that. just doing the things i mentioned BECAUSE I WANT TO, and not because i was told to or obliged to. see.. i hate to be forced to do things. i really hate that feeling. i will still do it but it will not be the best i can do. i'll just do it mediocre-ly to get it over and done with. i do my best only when i wanna do it myself. just like in primary school, when my mum used to force me to do maths tuition. i hated it. when mrs neo caned me, i hated it. but when i went on to sec school and i was slowly inspired by Mrs V. to love maths, i did well in Math because i wanted to practise on my own accord. i realise that everytime some guy comes into my life, he will just turn my world upside down and i always fail to feel like myself anymore. i always cannot remember how it feels to be me when they come in. THIS is me. this is who i am. right now, on this couch, the feeling that surges in and out of my heart. that is me.

this isn't a random post. its just that, i feel that, if i do not blog about this now, i don't know if i'd ever have the time to do so... but recently, alot of things happened. not just to me, but to friends and friend's friends. singletondom isn't as bad as i used to think it was. i'm still young. and i still have alot i want to do. even if i don't ever meet another guy who will make my heart be alive again, i still have myself to rely on. yes, ocassionally, i'd run out of energy. but when that happens, i know i have friends and family and things around me to give me the power to re-charge and move on. the bridget in me will always stay alive. [:

can't wait to bitch at the beach with reggie baby and send chantel off on friday!! might be staying at Festive hotel on saturday and just chillout on sunday i guess. then its work work work all week and then, school school school. and then, holidays. and then, schooling proper. ok. shall shower and make have pek lian's handmade rice dumplings for dinner. i must fast tomorrow. kushinbo buffet and popeyes-ing on friday. OMG. fuck. gonna gym. fuckfcuk. ciao~ [:

Young adult I am.

Hello. No poker tonight, at least not for now that is. today was a really good day! went out with chantel. just went for a nice lunch at this place called "Big O" at paragon. quite nice. plus got coupons, so q worth it. i liked the salmon. after that, walked around paragon while did some catching up. very nice relaxing walk. then we stopped by fish and co for key lime cheese cake. for high tea. very relaxing. talked about everything... then she had to work.. and i headed home for dinner. guilty or wadddd!!!! ]: need to start gyming alr. im going to start yoga-ing when school starts. [:

anyway, im gonna be on tv. lol! we were walking along orchard, when this tv crew just came forward to interview me! -blushes- Thank u ar!! hahahaha. jk la. just some razortv interview on whether i have a driver's license. and whether i still have a P Plate. and whether i have been bullied on the roads before .. and what i did. and i said "oh, i just swear" lol!!! fuck. i hope i wont get to see myself on tv. face normally already so fat liao. fuck. ]:

ok, so those who have been talking to me recently should have slowly gone nuts about me saying about life.. and how we're entering the life changing/ adulthood-stepping decade of our lives and how weird it is that by the end of this decade, i'd be typing on this blog having kids. HOW WEIRD AND BIZARREEEE!!! omg. O.O shocks me to think abt it. i mean, having sex is already quite mind-blowing, let alone.. offsprings. MY OFFSPRINGS. x= omggggggggggggggggggggggg.

so anyway, so currently, im confused. im confused about how my life should steer? what is considered normal? what is the stereotype. ok.. i know the stereotype. right now, the correct mould i should fall into is -

1. study
2. graduate with a bachelor
3. get a decent and steady job
4. have a constant group of girlfriends (a.k.a sex and the city/ desperate housewives/ bridget jones kind of girls.. who sip cosmos etc)
5.get a decent enough boyfriend who has a stable job
6. get married and have a mediocre sex life
7. have children and start paying for household expenses/taxes etc
8. retire and go into an old folks home.

ok, but reality check here:

1. i have stopped being geeky after i went through poly. so is it possible i will revert back to the muggertoad i once was?
2. yeah. i think i will but how long will it take?
3. i dont really want a decent job. i wanna be a travel journalist! i wanna be paid to travel and know about other people and their lifestyles!!!! i wanna be filled with knowledge! i dont wanna sit at a desk and deal with numbers. sigh.
4. i do have group of friends now. but as what i can see, we're slowly splitting and stuff. and new friends are coming in. so.... how constant?at least luckily emsy, me and sx have been q ok. so shud be able to last thru the next decade?
5. hmmmm. im leaving this section to fate and cupid. lol! i give up in finding my own love already.
6. refer to no. 5
7. i might adopt if i eventually dont get married. or like back-up plan, i wont mind getting sperms from a sperm bank. why not?
8. if best right, i'd retire and MOVE TO SWITZERLAND! best ending to my story eh?!

okok. so, my point being... when i was young, my aunt got me a set of encyclopedia. lol. there's this particular one called "all about people". so its all about biology and stuff.

but in between the biology bits, they insert sections where they introduce u about the different stages of a person's life.


the coloured person refers to the stage of life u're reading..

i used to read about the pre-teens and teenage part when i was in primary school, trying to figure out what life will be like. even in sec school, i will refer to it once in a while to know where i stood. its not a very in-depth/oxford-ish kind of book.

lol! teens. ok, lets just see how my teenage life was supposed to be:

1. im supposed to be getting a new body.. which i have gotten. boobs and pubic hair, CHECKED.

2. "teens are old enough to go out without their parents. for the first time, they can do things by themselves without any adults around" CHECKED.

3. "looking good is important to most teens. they need to keep in shape if they want to look their best" .. after my eyelid glue and contacts experience, CHECKED.

4. "Lots of exciting things are happening in teenagers' lives. but they need to study because their education will make a big difference in their future lives" CHECKED. but im quite guilty about the studying part.

5. "Most teens start dating. they also develop close friendships with other people their age. they sometimes seem to have little time for their families." the dates part, CHECKED. the families part, also CHECKED!

6. "Having a job for the first time can be fun, even if it is hardwork. it feels good having money you have earned yourself" CHECKED!

weeee~ i've lived my teenage life well, at least according to the book. weee~ ok. so, to get a rough guide on how i'm supposed to map out my "young adulthood" ... here goes:


ok. im looking forward to this bit. the travelling bit! ohhhh london, please let me go to u!


i do hope im not ging to live with my parents by the time im 30 though.. i DO have thoughts of moving out. but the idea doesnt work well in singapore, because honestly, how far can u shift in singapore? from simei to boon lay ar? HAHAHHA.

hint that i REALLY SHUD LEARN FRENCH AND SPANISH?!!?


WEE~ shall continue with yoga. maybe bowling? idk!

this was the bit i was saying. MARRIED. the scary M word. lol!

lol!!!!! that is what i should be looking out for now, i guess? a new job + a family + a new home.

ok lor. i know its lame to rely on an encyclopedia meant for young children for the road map of the next 10 years of my life. but when you get confused.. sometimes, the simpler the solution, the better.

ok. phew! finally blogged. shiook feeling. shall.... watch FRIENDS! and sleep!

p/s: Guess how much this is? $60,000? nope. $6,000? nope. $600? nope. $60. nope. not even close. only $ fucking 6! [: WOOOTS

ok byee~