Friday, October 29, 2010

Life is full of unexpected events, huh?

yesterday met up with liwen for breakfast. hahah. after, leaving secondary school for 4 years and not having a proper conversation since god knows when, we've decided to meet for breakfast via facebook. haha. yup, mark zuckerberg, we thank you. haha. it was my fault cus i overslept and was late for our date. so supposed to meet her in sim and in the end, i was too late and we decided to eat in town.. macs. then we're supposed to lunch about an hour and i was too nua. so i just skipped school. lol. i really dun like my lecturer for that particular module anyway. so pon-ed it. went to tcc for waffles and yeah. chatted a lot. mostly catching up and stuff. ahaha. really had a good time. i feel we should do it again. lol!

well.. went for econs lecture, now econs lecture is one lecture i'll never miss for the world! manfred ting and his lame jokes. and im so glad i didnt miss his lecture. lol! me, derrick and huilin just cannot stop laughing! hahahhaha. super super cute! manfred ting.

came home and had dinner. and nua somemore until 12. then began doing tutorials till 4am. then woke up at 2pm and have been online since today. fuck. i havent been on my lappy in a while and i miss soulpancake! lol! okay la. yesss! its the weekends :D i fucking can't wait! ciao!!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

how stupid can i get?

sigh. To be honest, i never felt the true pressure of uol up until now. Sigh. Was doing MA tutorials and i have learnt this before in ng eng poh's or michelle lee's class before. But now, i've completely forgotten and i took an hour to do what was seemingly an easy question compared to the exams i took and got 'b' for. What the fuck. I've changed. Im terribly terrible ashamed of myself. Today, i sat beside this guy i didnt know. During lecture, his phone rang and he went out via emergency stairs to pick his phone up and he cant enter (its those doors u can go out but cant get in kind?) and well, i saw him leave and i noticed he was locked out and so did the guy sitting on the other side of him. The other guy laghed to his friend and i laughed too, not helping and still copied my notes away. Wtf is wrong with me? Omg. Im fucking ashamed. In the past, i would have walked up and helped open the door. And i just sat there and laughed? And not helped. Wtf is wrong. Gahhhhhh. Im so angry leh. I burnt in shame. I mean, wtf. Really. I've changed. Im now, cowardly, boring and average. I've became the person i thougt i would be when i entered poly. Guess god gave me a little time out in poly before banishing me back into the average life i used to be in. Im a nobody in sim. If i died, i think only wint and shyenne would notice?? I realised i had no cca. Ya. Fuck. Feel like working.. but have realised because i havent been revising, the work load's piling. SIGH! Fuck my life.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

im wide awake at 3am!

gosh. Im fucking sleepy but i just cant seem to go to sleep! Been watching tv and eating and doing econs assignment today. went to meet sx and emsy for dinner at ewf. Yummsy. Love my salt and vinegar fries. Ohfuck. I crave for british takeaway! Anyhoos, we drank koi just nw and i guess thats why im so restless. Came hm at abt 10 and polished up my assignment and then headed to bed at abt 1. Then read abit of eat.pray.love ... And wimpy kid. lol. Still cant sleep and decided to do my budgetting for my own life. Im gonna be spending more than half my monthly allowance within the first week. I so must lay my hands on those wedges! And loafers. Sigh! So exspensive! Thing is, the shoes, which add up to 70 dollars are the only wants i have leh. Sigh!

Well, anyhoos, brandon asked for a chance to explain why he was a jerk last time. Its all the lame stuff like he likes me too much and it scared him. What bull. Idk. But im nt gnna give in to that. I think. Though i actually gave him a chance to explain but managed to keep my dignity by saying 'whats the point of bringing this up now?' hah! But ya. Tbh, im q vulnerable at this point of time cus well, my life isnt fantastic. but no matter how vulnerable, im gg to at least appear strong. I had to actually look at ***'s photo to keep me from giving in and believing fucking brandon. Rlly. Wtf. Im nt the xiaomeimeis he jios lor. Im nt gnna believe him. He's vile. He's just another daniel cleaver. Fuck him la. Wtf.

Kk. I go sleep le. Nights.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Shirley, what is the answer to...

Well, haha. today, like all my mondays, is really damn cute. firstly, headed to starbucks. lol. i think they can now recognise me, cus the starbucks dude asked if i worked nearby! lol! then, cus NP started school.. omg. the bus stop was so fucking pack, i had to see 11 buses go off without me because i just cant get on the bus. its fucking madness. its like, i was standing in front. then 184 stops behind. then when i go behind, everyone starts crowding. and 184 is those long buses. then when im at the back, 154 comes to the front and i quickly dashed and still cant squeeze. saw wint and her friend and we tried to get on the buses but we cant! we wanted to grab a cab but its even more hopeless than boarding the bus. saw weixia and we just decided to stick to standing in the middle. refused to budge. and finally, after 11 buses and half an hour at the bus stop, we boarded this really old 184 and we were half an hour late. lol! as usual, wint was so excited to see adrian tang! hahaha!! i have to admit his smile is really damn cute! hahaha. giggled alot, i always giggle alot when im with her!lol!! then had pbf with shyenne. and we were chatting about clubbing until so engross that tham kit wei, my lecturer, she called me name out leh! wtf. she was like "so shirley, whats the answer to..." and im fuckin shocked, cus 1. i didnt know she knew my name 2. i wasnt paying attention at all. lol. whatever it is, i found another clubbing khaki! :D yesss! then after that, during lunch, we talked more about clubbing and drinking. hahaha. shiokness. then i headed home. napped till 7. dad's car broke down, so i fried eggs for bro! then did econs assignment till 11. watched mind your language and then, here i am, blogging/ soulpancake-ing. haha. love my mondays. sadly, after monday, the week goes by at snail's pace. i so fucking cant wait for the weekends though!! :D

Crisis

nope, not the economic crisis, but shirley's crisis. in the past, i wanted to lead a colourful life so that i can show it off on facebook. slowly, i realise that this colourful life became MY life. and facebook show-off-worthy or not, i just cannot lead a life without friends. especially friends i know im truly close with off the internet. so its not just facade purpose. i used to take pictures even with people im not close with just to be showy-offy. but now, im taking pictures because i've realised how important memories are considering how fast people change and the friendships you thought would last you a lifetime, probably would disappoint you in the end, so you've only got photos left to remind you how good it felt while it lasted. yeah. i've slowly learnt thats how life goes. even the closest poly friends have drifted. even the closest secondary school friends have drifted. and what more can i say about uni friends? so, the lesson learnt is to bask in the moment and treasure it while it lasts. you know why my msn status is always set to busy? haha. last time martin and nei and adeline loved to keep nudging me and soon, we found out that putting it to busy would not allow the nudging to disturb our work. lol. so it has slowly become a habit and now, i cannot adapt to changing it back to being online.

i still cannot stop missing SP life. i walk alone to school alot. but these few weeks will bump into some people .. so it isnt so bad. plus theres music. and also, since mondays are starbucks mondays, it really helps alot. a hearty breakfast and a rich cup of coffee is always the cure to monday blues. i'll never forget the days when the road to school was so noisy and fun. everytime i think back, i just become numb. because i have a half an hour break in between, i never have the time to have proper lunch with wint. have to hastily grab sandwich and go to lecture hall to eat it. sigh. in the past 3 years in poly, i've never eaten lunch alone. never. for a moment, i forgot how to be alone. i guess, this is it. we learn more than knowledge in uni, huh. look at other ppl's uni lives, so happening, so fun. and mine? just average. but luckily, i've managed to make a couple of friends in my lectures.. and its quite fortunate i have someone to sit with and talk to in all my lectures. haha! slowly, im getting used to it. i smile from within when i walk alone along the corridors. i no longer feel sad.. but just .. alright lor. lol.

i guess thats why i have been pretty reliant on a certain someone to make my day. but its not gonna work. im just in delusion. i guess i just needed to find a sanctuary i can hide in where i know i'd be all smiles. but im 20. not 2. if i've managed to survive last time and watched movies alone.. why can't i do this? i hope its just the road to recovery from a lost of backbone. haha.

im fine. no need to console me. i just needed an avenue. slowly, i stop comparing myself to others because we're all different. i wished that could be a way to just have facebook only with my pictures, without the updates of other peoples' lives. haha. silly shirley. okay la, im going to read eat, pray, love. hopefully it's wayyyy better than the movie. :D namaste.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

so, bye bye love...

yeah. I'll miss thinking of him... Byebye you piece of loving memory.. :) it was awesome while it lasted.

im a clown.

you know what? I realise that being in a denial is alot more tiring than i thought. And the worse thing is, its redundant. I don't need a guy to make me feel happy.. To feel whole. I just make myself think i need one because i just feel like it. in fact, i dont. And being so over the top with him, i feel like a clown. Like a clown trying to please a tough crowd. And im not backing out because im giving up. Im just putting a stop to fairytales and pushing myself back to reality because theres so much more to life than romantic love. I have a backbone and im using it to stand alone. I mean, im only human and of course, from time to time, i'll be thinking of him and fantasizing about what life would be if we had our happy ending. But, whats the point of living my life believing it IS really happening when it clearly is not. Haha. Stupid, am in socio class and have made a decision because i did a really stupid thing ytd. Well, sometimes i hate it when im too logical. Life is so not fun!

Eat. Pray. Love.

Yesterday aircon man came to install the new aircon. so had to go to mom's room to continue sleeping. then woke up and the whole place was dusty and messy, esp my room cus they had to put in the ventilator thing outside of my room. so it was so dusty and stuff. so woke up and had to straight away spring clean, changed bedsheets, mop floor (which has been unmopped for months), packed mess up.. and yup. have got nice clean room back. lol! after that, showered then went to sommerset to buy surprise cupcakes for gerard butler. was his birthday and quite paiseh to go empty handed. so bought cupcakes, told waiter to bring up when i tell him to (apparently, he didnt tell his colleagues because i have to remind the manager once and another waiter again!). had a good time getting updates from jen kaen about his army life. and also sharad about his nepal trip. and yeah, wished the other momsters were there too leh! hahah. not as noisy and fun as i was expecting it to be. but still fun nonetheless. and when the water FINALLY brought the cupcakes, im glad to see the smile on gerard butler's face. lol! :D after much debate, we headed home. i was hoping to go have booze at clarke quay but yeah. i was contemplating going there alone.. but i was quite tired and i didnt really feel safe without someone. so yeah.


then today, i dreamt that i was the president of Singapore. the moment i was about to make my speech, my brother woke me up. so had chicken rice for breakfast before heading to shower. supposed to meet wint for eat.pray.love. hahah! the movie at grand cathay was all sold out! so we had to go golden village to watch. there was only front seats left. it was torture. neck ached from all the looking up we had to do. hahah. but it was an awesome movie. it got alittle dull in the middle. but its inspiring. i kinda found some courage in me and i really hope i'd ever have the balls like julia roberts to just take off. julia roberts looks sooo gorgeous even after not appearing in movies for so long! wint and i kept giggling when they showed this cute guy's ass! hahaha!! ;) then after that, we headed to ion to see books! yay! another chick lit-lover. but the thing is, im kinda sick of chick lits. im not sick of them per se. but its just that, the plots are forever the same just that the characters' names changes. and maybe abit of role reversal. and also, i always become extremely and unrealistically hopeful after reading a chick lit. they give girls like me an illusion and it will burst the moment we step back into reality because.. really, what are the chances of meeting your prince charming in an elevator/ bus stop? gee.

then headed home where mummy saved a pot of porridge for me. with LOADS of ingredients - shredded omelette/ shredded fishcakes/ century eggs and ... deep-fried shallots! i hate the outside ones but i LOVE my mum's home made ones! slurpped them all up while watching "ai". then showered and then, here i am! hha. photos tagged and blogpost blogged. :D

well, gonna be a busy busy week ahead. i hope i get to see him tomorrow. not sure if this is too much to ask for.

and btw, alb, if u read this, please remind me to remind you to tell me more about kx's gossips can? :D thanks!!

p/p/s: the moon is fucking low and bright tonight! so... mesmerizing!

Friday, October 22, 2010

Warning: loads of zi-pais ahead...

heyhey. lol! i was really bored yesterday so i took alot of pictures of myself! lol! if i dont post them on my blog, where else should i post them right? haha. had a great day today. went out with morgan to get her hair dyed. her hair's fuckin red now. very nice colour leh, i feel! love it! hahaha! hmm, after that, went to eat yummy wanton mee.. then headed to gombak to practise their dance! the semis are coming up le, so being their manager's manager, have to go and support their practice. and im getting addicted to the kpop song they're dancing to! lol! then headed to bugis. lol! the train ride from gombak to bugis was damn hilarious! lol! got this guy almost fell on xiin and we just kept giggling like mad cows. lol! then went bugis to go kino and then had mos burger.. yummy! im so in love with mayonnaise but im going to jian fei again. :D ok la.. some pics. please, if u think my pics are so disgusting u wanna gorge your eyes out, i suggest u just change to another website la. lol!

zomg. my thighs look damn skinny. haiz. if only. its just that i lifted them up slightly, and the fats are not spreaded sideways.. hhah!

i fucking love my eyes in this!!!!


OWL socks from f21! cute or what?!

well, teehee. x)

well, im still unsure if i should remain in a denial or not. because, the thing is, when im all in my lala land and building sandcastles in the air, it all seems workable and practical and PLAUSIBLE rather! but when i actually talk to him or have any interactions whatsoever with him in real life, it seems ridiculous for me to even be liking him because it just is. i just start laughing at how naive and silly i am. but then, when im offstage from him, it all comes back. lol! so weird. i'll just go with the flow la. its really too silly for me to be thinking too much into it. anyway, i have such wonderful friends who are single and strong, like xiin, nana, morgan, emma, shu xian ... haha. although i feel, he's worthy of me fantasizing and synchronizing my emotions with his (as my new blogskin spells it out, you smile i smile.) hahaha. hmm.. not sure la. but whatever it is, my life is still my universe. :) i don't really wanna start doing adult stuff (like sex, driving, bfs) at the moment because i just realise we're going to be heading to the end of the year really soon and im gonna be doing all these to infinity. lol! so might as well enjoy being young! haha! take the public transport is not a big deal. in fact, i've come to terms with me not driving.

yes, public transport sucks because its always crowded and slow.. but actually, i think im faster with mrt than a car. no need to worry about parking and stuff. can put the rest of my mind on hanging out with friends. hahahha. and i enjoy people watching and the conversations you listen to on a train can be really interesting and enriching! lol!!! okay la, im going to watch big bang theory, then to bed! hoohoo!

giraffe-ing with gerard tmr! kinda eggcited! but kinda dun have the mood to partay. but what the heck! i've been stale for weeks! i need to boooooze!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

silly shirley.

i'm just so silly la. haha, honestly, since nothing happened, why do i have to be so paranoid and think about so much things? So silly. Well, today was good. Met up with emma to do pure f21 shopping. Omg. F21 is amazing. i bought this pair of owl socks. Lol. And other stuff. Will load pics the next time i come online. We kept trying and trying! Lol! As though f21 was ours. f21-ing w emsy pamsy! Then supposed to meet adeline to mug but she was lazy to come out. Blah. But weather's so hazy lor. Madness. Smelly and irritates throats! So came home, camwhored alittle (yay! New zipai pics coming..) and then showered, lazed arnd till dinner came and then watched tv, then msged and msged and msned until now. :( inefficient. :(( anyhoos, is lorraine's bday! Sigh. She's 17! I miss being 17! I rmbed how adventurous i used to feel. Lol! Oh well. Gnna dye hair w morgan and run random errands. Busy day tmr xD stupid mormor. Lol!
I've come to think of.. Why nt bask in denial eh? Why do i need to come back to reality? Lol. I mean, its nt like me being in denial will harm anyone. Lol! Okie. Gnna watch some fam guy, then its bedtime. Stamina's been low these days. Haha. goodbye. :)

i would very much like to take you on a date.

sigh. Once again, after a fallow period in my love life, im in love once again. But i suppose its one sided. Sigh! everytime i'm with you, it seems like my worries are casted aside and we could just chat and laugh as though we didn't have problems of our own. I will miss you when you are away. Sigh. 2 weeks without your virtual existence. Sigh. i really wanna tell u how i feel. Everytime im with u, i feel like im gonna explode any moment. But this isnt like with sly or brandon. This time, i have to take into account the beautiful and precious friendship we've cultivated for so long. Maybe, if granted, i just wanna be ur girlfriend for a night. Sigh. I want u to be happy. But im pretty sure you won't be happy with me. So i'd rather not be with u. But, im rlly seriously going to explode anytime soon. I wished u could like me first. :( i promise to not get attached or tangled into any relationships as long as u are single. Sigh. Somehow i wished u were reading my blogpost so you can take a chance on me? U probably think im asking u because im desperate. But no! Im already so used to being single, staying unloved for another ten years wouldnt have done any difference to me. But i rlly want you. Just you.. Not anyone else. I rlly have stopped oogling at hawt guys and stuff because every single day, my head is filled with u. I wonder if i ever crossed your mind because for me, it happens all the time. I would say i've noticed you seem to have taken a change when it comes to interacting with me. U seem nicer and more polite.. But maybe im just overthinking. Sigh! Fate, god, whoever who takes charge of my life, either let him become attached or let him be mine? Its quite agonizing. But at the same time, being in this denial is.. Hopeful. Its alot worse than knowing if he actually loves me. But its alot better than knowing he does not. Please let him tell me he loves me. I'm willing to stay broke for a long time. I might even be willing to exchange my chance of travelling arnd the world for this. Sigh. Just, let him love me back, for once in my life, let my feelings be reciprocated? oh well. I guess, between now and then, till i see you again, i'll be liking (i dont wanna underuse the word love yet) you, love, me.

I know the last time, i said i wont wanna be in a relationship for the next 6 months in order to pass bridging. And am willing to exchange love for grades. Sigh. But these 20 years, there have never been once where the man i love loves me back. Only once when i thought it happened and he turned out to be a jerk. Ok, and another time, but also a jerk. Maybe, give me once? i really really wish he would be my first and last.

Sigh! Back to the books. Ciao.


SIGH!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Something 'bout love

I soooooo am in love with david archuleta's new album! its so fucking awesome!

"There’s something ’bout love
That breaks your heart
Whoa oh oh oh
It sets you free

There’s something ’bout love
That tears you up
Whoa oh oh oh"

omg. can sing-along la. like, fuckin awesome! LOVES!!!

how has my life been? hmmm.. monday's school was awesome as usual! hahaha. adrian tang's so cute!! hahaha. love socio! then yesterday, went to school to collect refund for foc. ended up studying abit with derrick and reggie came. totally cant study with her one lor. so noisy. lol. in the end gossiped and chatted until her lesson starts.. then headed to nei's place to burn big bang theory. had dinner at jap foodcourt and then went home. today had lessons. omg. manfred ting (my econs lecturer) is damn fucking hilarious! really the most humorous lecturer i have ever ever met in my life. [e.g. he was saying .. "nowadays get degree very common one. if degree was so easy to get and everyone can just get, imagine you go to the interview room, the taxi uncle have one uol degree. the karung guni man has 2 degrees. then the auntie who complain very hot have alot of degrees. you know how many degrees she has? 38 la. so hot what" ] ZOMG! we just... laughed out loud ttm. me and derrick cannot stop laughing lor. hahahhahahahahhahahahahah! is reeally one of those "you have to be there" jokes. managerial econs is ironically the only module i do not fall asleep for. im serious. how can i sleep? i dont wanna miss out on his jokes lor. lol!!!!!!

hmmm, yup. thats all la. oh yeah, last saturday met up with emsy pamsy to do brows.. haha. hmmm. nothing interesting la. although my life's pretty mundane now, im actually basking in it. is like, lying on your back in a swimming pool and kicking back. hahaha. except that, i havent revised anything.. so yup. have to pull socks up. i've decided to deactivate my facebook for 1 month. im quite sick and tired of being demoralised by people i don't really give a shit about. so yup. but i wanna save all my facebook pictures first leh. they're the only few reasons im holding on to fb... sigh. should i really take the plunge? i feel i'll feel relieved though.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Fact: we grow up.

Well, i can't say it in detail on here. but well, the things we used to be happy about, the things we used to promise to do together actually seems childish now that you have new friends and a new life. to be honest, i dont care if she's offended, but i am quite offended. i know we werent as close as we were back then, but does it really do any harm just holding on to something that doesnt even impact your life but will instead, mean a whole lot to her? wth. sometimes, u really amaze me. well, thanks for telling me that, we do grow up.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

i feel like a loser

well, in the past weekend, i met up with lionel. and honestly, i've never felt more inferior than ever. firstly, he passed his driving like 2 weeks ago and he's going down slopes of multi-storey carparks. and me? still having the phobia of going behind the wheel. i figure that my blurness will surely kill somebody in time to come. so i'm really really scared to drive. i dont think i'll be able to be responsible enough to drive properly. sigh. secondly, he's studying in smu. doing sociology. omg. smu is my dream uni since i was in sec 3. and socio is my favourite subject now. he's really leading the life i wanna live. and that day we went past smu, and my another cousin said, "hey, look, your future school". and i just .. my heart wrenched. i felt fucking envious. and small. and inferior. so i was quiet through the journey. lorraine is like, smart and pretty even without trying. and she gets guys flocking to her without trying too. then, just now, kieran is in a relationship with this fucking chio girl. omg. kieran leh! sigh. i bet alyssa has a bf too. then everyone has something they're good at. except me. i feel really like a loser. like, im never good at anything. i dont have alot of friends. i dont have a very busy social life like regina. i dont have a bf. i dont even have any potentials. like, i just live in my fantasy world with my perfect boyfriend. and yeah. thats where i get love. and when it comes to my studies, it used to be my strength. but i dont want to be the "muggertoad" anymore. sigh. i don't know what drives my life anymore. but i guess, the way to go now, is to study hard, hopefully i can do well enough to do a masters in london so that i'll feel worthy about myself. to be honest, with the amount of playing i did in poly, i dont deserve to go smu. and as i've said before, i will never trade those playtimes for anything in the world. never. so, yeah. what do i really want for my life? if i wanna boyfriend, i just need to accept brandon's date. but i'll be dating a douche who will probably break my heart. sigh. why can't i fight for what i want? i really really will wallow in this big bag of self pity sooner or later. everyone's prettier than me. everyone's luckier than me. everyone's life seems more awesome than mine. sigh!!!! oh gosh. i just dont know. what should i do? someone throw me an answer?

Friday, October 15, 2010

super bo liao

while waiting for alb, i just very randomly joined the camqueen of the year shit. hahahahahah! damn lame lar.

http://www.camqueenoftheyear.com/profile.php?id=772

omfg. damn bhb leh. die. hahahah! aiya. wadeva la. i feel super duper lame leh. but then again, im only young once. lol! what the heck.
zomg. 4.38pm and still no sign of alb. havent ate anything. v tempted to cook maggi mee. sigh. q worried. gahhh...

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Together broadricians, we'll take our stand...

It was finally my brother's turn to get out of secondary school. after me, was lionel then lorraine and then him. seeing him go up the stage to collect his report book, i was quite touched la. haha. like, i can't believe it has been 4 years since i left secondary school and he has also endured 4 years of secondary school. seeing foolet getting the report book also made me feel like a mother. :') reached broadrick at about 10.15am. saw zhong lao shi. chatted a while with him before being ushered to sit in front. it was also mr phua's last year in broadrick. my brother's probably the only batch to see 2 farewell ceremony held for 2 principals. the speech and all were motivating and stuff. so sat in the front, with slippers. im embarrassed. i thought i would be sitting at the back. plus weather is so hot. lol. when they sang the school song, i sang along too. with pride actually. didn't need to see the lyrics! hahaha. then they sang "auld lang syne" which i actually teared. stupid sad song. after that, went to chat with mrs ang. hahhaa. she put on abit of weight! gosh. hahah. then chatted with miss v. sigh. missed her. saw mdm swee and mdm lim hwee kiang. can't wait to tell alb. lol!!!


gah, speaking of alb. waiting for his phonecall to go eat lunch. i havent eaten yet. and im starving... -stares at phone- hahaha. feel like shitting. need to pass him his gift also. :) gosh. okok. go watch fam guy to distract self. ciaos!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

No wonder...

No wonder i have been so..... -shrivels- because im having my period! phew! no wonder i've been so..... needy for some affection!! hahahah! but yeah, today i was actually secretly asking god/fate, "if im fated to be with him, give me some sign" and fuck. the moment i opened my eyes, his friend and gf was right in front of me. chua tio. lol! wtf. is that a sign? so lame leh. aiya, maybe i should ask for a stronger sign? hahahha!! dun be too greedy. but, i've been single for so long leh, how is this greedy? hahaha!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Teenaging Tuesday!

Woke up today with a msg from morgan "eh, abit random. but we're having practice from 2 to 5pm. wanna blow aircon?" lol! i typed "ok" while 3/4 still asleep! hahaha. ended up going back to sleep and overslept. hahah. chionged to meet the girls. tried to look "dance-ish" with tank top and loose pants.

then we headed to gombak (fuckinnnn far) then me and nana had lunch while the girls went to dance. then met them again. lol! i think sooner or later, im going to just sink into k-pop! lol! so catchy eh. i came back and youtubed some. but i'm too in love with 987 to convert. i'll see how. hahaha. after lotsa laughter, headed to mrt. ate dinner at ananas. lol! first time tried. not bad. lol. but ok nia. so headed to school and had beatboxing class. im not sure if i wanna take proper lessons not. hmm, i think i will lar. but i need to get my study life on track. have not started on tutorials doing and its been 1 month now? so, yeah. better pull socks up.

yup. thats all. i had alot of thoughts. but they're clearly erased. well, yesterday got in touch with an old friend and well, hahah. i dont know if i've told her too much cus i just told her abt my love life and stuff. hmm.

well, i dont think we'll work out la. i mean, its one-sided. look at this article: http://www.slate.com/id/2268719/?gt1=38001

it is possible to have a platonic friendship. well, anyways, i've decided to just rely on it mentally so at least i can convince myself that i'm still straight. i just hope to be in his company soon. :D glad to have him back.

interesting picture reggie was showing me. hahhaha. if we only did that. if only the stranger was HAWT! lol!

In loving memory of auntie huat cai..

Came home from school at about 9pm and heard from mum that auntie huat cai passed away today. its not completely a shock because i knew she got into a car accident (that woman who knocked her was on the phone apparently). but my mum said it didnt seem very serious and she was conscious even though she was suffering from fractures and she kept saying "im going to die .." my mum still joked about it cus she seems to be conscious enough to say that. everyone were light-hearted about it. then apparently, she has very low blood pressure (she's in her late 80s mind you) and apparently she was supposed to go through an operation. but she died before she even had the chance to.

the reason i feel sad is because, although i've probably never spoken more than 10 sentences to her in my life, everytime i work for my dad, i'll see her around cleaning the display. she has really good children who told her to stop working but she just wants to kill time. so she does the cleaning of some of the shops. and she always say "huat cai. zua ji lai" means, get rich, hopes cash roll in. the way she says it damn funny. and sometimes my dad see her, he'll just shout 'huat cai" and she will start saying that. she's damn funny. but i feel she's a role model. working hard at what she's at despite her age. she makes a lot of friends and honestly, if u've ever been to the basement of hong leong building, sometimes u hear her voice ringing through the corridors. she had influenced me without me knowing. and, i think everyone will be able to sense her loss. sigh. everytime i see her, i just get reminded that shes 4 times older than i am and look at her energy level. i'll always remember her. always.

sigh. the thing is, when i stopped working for my dad for about a year, i thought maybe thats when she'll pass on. like, cus she's rlly old. but, i never knew she would pass on with me just having met her last week? like, really too sudden. i always look forward to seeing her whenever i go to work. and she'll always tell my father i've grown up, can get married alr.

well, i'll definitely miss her. but to quote something from rozz's blog:

"“as we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn’t supposed to let you down probably will. you will have your heart broken probably more than once and its harder every time. you’ll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. you’ll fight with your best friend. you’ll blame a new love for the things an old one did. you’ll cry because time is passing too fast, and you’ll eventually lose someone you love… so take too many pictures, laugh too much and love like you’ve never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you’ll never get back.

well, yup. have to move on. i'll blog about my day in another post.

to auntie huat cai, goodbye..

Monday, October 11, 2010

i am willing to settle for second place and just be his good friend.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

i dream of courage...

prior to the previous post, i've come to realise that what i dreamt and fantasized of wasnt about being together with him.. But rather, me having the courage to overlook the fear of rejection and tell him how i really feel... Yeah. I dream of the courage. Wished i had that courage. I think, if i had tthe courage i dream of, be it for relationships or for friendship or for life, i'll be leading a happier and more fulfilling life. Unfortunately, im too cowardly. I'd rather sit back than step forward because im afraid of too many things.

i miss him...

every single sunday night, i miss him. And i just cant sleep because my mind is filled with him. i think that the chances of us being together is lower than me ever becoming ms singapore.. Sigh. The thing is, i love the way things are.. But why do i keep wanting to be with him and risk ruining the beautiful wonderful friendship we already have..

Life's not that bad actually..

Actually, life isn't so bad la. hahaha. well, i still have things to look forward to, just that i have to create them for myself but its okay. like every monday, cus my lessons begin at 8.30am. and dad usually sends me to the mrt at 7am. so i have actually alot of time. so usually, i'll drop at cityhall's starbucks, sip a nice cup of cafe mocha and bagel with cream cheese. mmmmmmm.. what a delightful way to begin a morning and the week ahead! well, ok. hope everyone has a good week ahead! :D

Monday tomorrow

Well, it has been a long week. honestly, i feel that each week actually passes alot slowly. but nonetheless, it has passed. quiet weekends, nothing fantastic. saturday headed to uncle edmund's hse for baby shower. fell sick through the weekend. i've got someone begging for me! hahah!!! no la, not begging la. but he's just come back crawling. >:D but well, thou shalt not gloat. actually, i dont really wanna have anything to do with him... lol! well, i've taken things into my hands and i've applied for this volunteers thing in SIM. hopefully we'll be chosen or what la. hmm, what else. nothing much. been lazing the entire weekend. i still sound like a man.

hmmm... i really don't know whats going on.. but its oddly complicated eh. idk.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

heres a quote to share..

its lucky to find someone whom you are capable of loving... :)

Friday, October 8, 2010

best way to spend one's saturday is at the clinic.

hey, this is shirley reporting live from the clinic at dayspring. Im the last customer. Apparently, i went past the operating hours, as in they close at 1pm and i rched at 12:50pm. Then the woman actually said they cant serve anymore cus theres a long waiting line. Then i talked to her and she heard my voice and she said, ok, i'll ask the doctor. If they're gonna chase me out, i'll make a big fuss. The thing is, the 'open' sign was still hung at the door. So i assumed it was open for service. Secondly, its a clinic eh, not singtel or something. I mean, what if u turn someone away and the person dies? Somemore, i have tonsilities, so if dragged any further would induce in asthma. Thirdly, i know its a saturday and everyone wants to rest. But its nt like theres no OT pay. How can u turn down a patient? Is it justifiable.??

i regret falling sick on a saturday. It means my parents will know i fall sick and they'll start nagging to the max abt hw i sleep late and stuff. Haiz. Thats why, think for 2 years alr, i never tell them im sick. Cus i rmb how much i dread the nagging. Super bull. gahhh. Maybe pms also making everything so dark. gah. I get pissed rllly rllly rlllly easily. Ok. Keep cool. Maybe i shud watch anger management again.

Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.

"Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game" is a quote i've learnt of since i was 14 years old. and i forgot about it until today. its a quote from "a cinderella story". gosh! i forgot how obsessed i was when i was a teen. i rewatched and rewatched and rewatched until i can say the lines out, on cue! lol! yeah. so today, as you saw the earlier post... i woke up at 7am, cooked breakfast, washed up, made bed and headed to mumsy's shop. then worked till about 4plus then headed to meet lorraine. met up, walked about, had dinner at pepper lunch, as usual, talked about alot of usual stuff! haiz. we never get sick of talking about the same things! she gave my bday present, which was a huge locket. inside was our neo and the words me and her used to go crazy over!










:D shall bear that in mind.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

I wanna be a stepford wife!

Well, its 9.09am and i am awake, blogging! i slept at 4am last night because i was reading and this morning, i just sprung up at 7am, all bubbling with excitement for the day. Well, the actual reason i woke up so early is because at first, my aunt asked me to go universal studios with her and my coussies! i really wanted to! but dad said they're busy at work. so, i decided to help out lor. but the thing is, when i woke up at 7am, i was initially too sleepy to open my eyes. then i needed to pee and the next thing i know, i cant sleep! so i remembered i bought a potato and some mushrooms the other day and decided to make breakfast! so, 1 sunny side up, 1 mushroom omelette, some stir-fried mushies, pan-fried potatoes with salt (so that its the healthier version of potato chips) and i just turned on CNA and well, im gonna watch the rick Astley's interview later! woohoo! im so hyped up despite the 3 hours of sleep. WHY? I DONT KNOW!!! i just know that, when i was frying my breakfast and making my bed and cleaning up the dishes and kitchen, i suddenly really really really wanna have offsprings and just become a stepford wife!

i wanna wake up with a beautiful apron and cook breakfast for my husband and children! then kiss him on the cheeks and kiss them on their forehead before they leave for work/school! then go marketing with my fellow stepford wives, discussing how cute we think rick astley's ass is! then dust away, make the house very nice and flowery and clean.. then cook dinner, wait for the them to have dinner. ask them how their day was and make suggestions... have a nice family tv-watching session then at 10pm, we'll all head to bed while i have hot, passionate sex with husband. (no, i didnt fantasize the DETAILS, but just wanna include it into my stepford wife list).
then on weekends, we'll go picnic and fly kites and i'll prepare healthy sandwiches and stuff.

omg. totally fantasy. omg. what happened to strong career woman! GAHHH!

well, Good morning!

Goodbye Madam Kwa Geok Choo.

i wasn't home to catch the final tribute to mrs lee kwan yew. click on the blue link for the video. really couldnt stop crying when mm lee placed the final rose in her coffin and kissed her goodbye. goodbye, mother of singapore...

Some food for thought!

Here's a scenario,

This is paraphrased from a movie.

"You're driving through town at night. There's a massive hurricane about to hit the town and tear it apart, and almost everyone has fled. You come across three people, stranded by the side of the road; Your trusted best friend, a frail elderly woman, and the love of your life. You only have room for one passenger, and there will not be time for a second trip. What do you do?"

comment on my blogpost. (p/s: i know who reads my blog. theres this feature on blogger that allows me to track. so don't be shy :) ) i'll post the really touching answer the movie gave if only people are interested to now.

Screwed up biological clock

feeling ultra lethargic now. going off to beatboxing class in a while. lol. kinda forgot about tuesday lessons leh. X:

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Nothing fantastic to blog about

Hello! well, the reason i haven't been blogging is because there isn't alot to blog about lar. i mean, if you asked how did my week went, i would say i manage to survive it with ALOT ALOT of fantasies being played in my head. as usual, mondays is my favouritest day of the week. cus i would say im happy to be able to have my morning lecture with the most cutest, hyper, funny group of friends from SIM. lol. my myanmar friend, wint, she's super super hyper and funny. really pretty too. (: hahaha. and wei xia is super funny also. lol! huilin is also damn cute! lol!! after that would be PBF where i take it with shyenne, a friend i made from bridging. hahah. she brought her friend along, joan. always drinks redbull, but looks like one of those girls whom you would never think about messing with. then my wednesday is usually management accounting where i'm w szeyee, adeline and tf. then managerial econs where im with derrick and huilin. then yup. in between days, i usually replenish sleep and come online. but these days, i'm SP-ing alot. plus i've been pretty interested in ted.com .. those really fascinating videos - like when sir robinson mentioned that college begins from kindergarten and how he joked about children being interviewed at 3 ... "so we see here that you've been breastfeeding for 9 months?!" lol! super hilarious!



yup. here's the video. i think its really fascinating leh.

i really fucking love Soulpancake man! its like, paradise for my brain. one of the SP-ers was suggesting we do something new on a certain day of the week. that might work. i'll try it. maybe every thursday or what, i'll try something new. hahahaha. i dont know! hahaha. and yeah, i maybe going to shanghai in december. but whatever it is.. well. lets just say that sometimes things dont go our way and as alb says, we can't always have what we want. so yeah. well, i better start mugging soon liao. pretty lagged behind..

Sunday, October 3, 2010

You know what truly made my day?

Well, when we were sitting by the singapore river, i asked a question which i felt was a bit egoistic. i ask nei and anita, "when i organise such outings, do you feel you're obliged to come thats why you come?" nei replied, "if i dun want to come, i wouldn't have come" totally made my day. being in the shoes of the girl who organises class/clique outings day in day out.. it means alot when people want to come for my outings, rather than having no choice but to come. :)

i kept thinking about lying down by the singapore river and i wish i would have alot of days like that in future. haha. i feel too lighthearted to post anything serious. just looking through some old photos. :)

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Shirley Saving (and incredibly adventurous) Saturday

This has probably gotta be the most life-changing saturday of my life and its not just because of the clubbing. well, woke up to have brunch with alberto werto. had our usual at yummy claypot. well, i forgot how to be detoxed. (well, albsie, i know you read my blog but i just wanna blog it out la, so bear with me. haha.) well, alb's right. why am i depressed for? why am i being lazy for? what are the substantial reasons? there are none. its all in the head. you see, i always feel that my fun is ending. everytime time passes, im afraid i'll never have such fun anymore. as one of the SP-er said, alot of us worry about something not happening the next time but the actual enjoyment is the main thing! i mean, we often waste time like that. well, the thing is there are always things around me! there are always these pillars of support around me and all i do is worry. luckily, alb reminded me of my london dream. haha. well, i've thought it through. he's right, i don't need any sympathy because im strong. im alot stronger than i think i am. its just, its been buried under so much insecurities that i cannot see it. no matter how people change, the core doesn't. thanks alb. really. for snapping me out of this stupid nonsense. i actually thought he would look at me and say "aww, you poor thing. life's harsh on u huh.." but then instead, he just rephrased "suck it up, this is life" thing in order to suit my context. i really really needed that reminder. i forgot how to be brave and make choices out of my comfort zone. but i'll start picking up challenges. well, maybe all these are fated. gonna have 3 beatboxing classes in this week. so maybe this is where it starts. what am i to do without your porridge (though this time is prawn, not frog legs) therapy? :) can't wait for another "ugly human" talk with you!! and alb, thanks for being a friend for a friend in need (the anita's parents thing!).

well, after going to buy cornflakes and nutella with bertie wertie, i went home and showered and changed for clubbing. :) i've forgotten how it felt to be thrilled and excited! hahaha. i've been too serious as of late, (lighten up shirley!) left the home but with a fear of meeting my neighbours, cus well, i was in my black dress and makeup. and my neighbours really love to tell my mum "hey, just now saw ur daughter. wa, dress till so pretty uh" when i told my mum im gg to camp. X: so went to find nana first to pass her the textbook. yes! had a very vey fulfilling and nice cup of yoguru yogurt with mango and granola! OWNINGNESS! im going back again. :) great chat with her and omg, kallang leisure park changed soo much! i cannot recognise it anymore! really so developed already! hahah. so went to clarke quay to meet nei first. (omg. suay like mad. aunty lily caught me and nei together. but we are innocent. and thing is, she told uncle daniel that i dressed till very nice with a guy, then he msged me: "how was last evening?" omg. had to lie my way out. thats right, the cliche thing is, lies ALWAYS snowball. lesson learnt: if im gnna club and doing it on the sly, im going to change before i enter the club. instead of well, being bold. x: just hope my aunt doesnt tell my mum. if not, i'll have to stick to my snowballed lie)

so, met up with hc and anita where we had a nice dinner at manhattan fish market. but unfortunately, we were enjoying ourselves too much we missed happy hour. went to meet martin and we almost couldnt recognise him with his botak head. went to seven inch. didnt get flaming lambo, cus well.. no happy hour. but instead, got the BIGGEST pint of beer in my life. so fucking huge leh. but i just drank! WOO! well, lets just say that, i got alot of summary about army life (incl. from alb) in a day! lol! its like NS in a nutshell. hahahhaha. then we needed to quickly chiong to st james cus well, we were scared we'll miss the free entry! hahah! martin wanted to fool the bouncer. cus NSF must pay. so he just showed his driving license and student card and the guy asked martin to show his wallet. LOL! then they caught him with his NSF card. lol! so martin and nei had to pay. hahaha. went in, and we ordered 2 jugs. well, i drank alot of it la.. since they didnt rlly wanna drink. i remember the crazy topics we talked about (quite m18. lol!!!!) then we had to jump from one reserve table to another. lol! cus always getting chased away.






then at about 12, we decided to go dance. it was abit weird cus i was the only one crazy and high. lol. honestly, after clubbing quite a fair bit, getting bua-ed is really pretty sian, especially when all i wanna do is to dance with my mates. luckily got nei and martini around. hahah! well, stupid st james once again, so crowded.. with people always moving in and out of the dance floor. there should be a rule that people are not allowed to walk in or out of the dancefloor in the midst of a good song (eg lady gaga, craig david).. but they left out the "must-be-played-clubbing-songs" E.g. low and i gotta feeling. so anyway, imagine dancing highly halfway and someone just bumps into you. some of the songs were good, eg its my first time hearing "new divide" on the dancefloor and i just couldnt stop jumping! well, i even attempted to dance on the platform. but its so weird cus only got me... so i stepped down after a song or two. hehe. the last time i did that was with chantel. hahah, very funny dancing with them cus wekeep doing funny dance movements like wavy arms. and i kept jumping. dunno why. well, okay, the interesting thing was this guy kept hovering around our area with his blackberry. damn funny. i noticed him for a while and he finally tapped on anita's shoulders asking if he can get to know her! LOL! anita rejected la. damn funny. we kepy laughing. then he didnt give up. he just kept asking "really?" hahah. cute la. but anita's really v gorgeous, thats what i've always felt. by 2.45am, we were sleepy and shagged and the songs were horrible. :( so we decided to go off cus its easier to get a cab before everyone gets out. i have never craved for a nice bottle of cold coke in my life so much! so martin went home and me, anita and nei just headed to clarke quay.

we dragged our feets to 7-eleven and bought coke and water.. and went to the singapore river. there, we just looked at the beautiful and peaceful clarke quay. its vivid colours are so peaceful. and i started pouring random verbal diarrhea. and finally, we just laid on our backs and we looked at the stars and the super bright moon and just talk about personality tests and things in life. i've never felt so.. carefree since i was in australia. the cold (and dirty) stone floor on my back with the companionship of the best people i can be under the blanket of stars and the moon, though not very visible. well, i say we should do it more often. i loved the feeling. fucking love it. i remembered the empty feeling and i remembered alb's words. i wanted to cry it out before i started afresh.. but that magical feeling of not being alone and that the world is so much bigger just put a cork to my tearducts. i just close my eyes and savour the moment.

then, nei suggested we go to novotel to their lounge where he went there the other time and no one bothered plus they had sofas. so we went. lol! we just stayed there for 5 minutes before the manager came and ask if we were waiting for people. lol!!! then we just say, no, we needed the toilet. SO FUNNY! the thing was, the lounge is at 7th floor. lol! the manager was quite hostile leh. i felt so embarrassed. we quickly left lor. damn novotel. not going there even if i have the money. blah!

irony: i felt so much happier lying on the hard and cold floor of singapore river bank with people on our right scolding fuck in every sentence and the people on our left were vomitting non-stop and attempting to go into the river as compared to lying on the warm, soft sofas of the hotel with a discomfort heart that i dont belong there. guess its the same irony i get when i felt like i had the most fun in MOM as compared to the superficial, unhappy feeling i get when i worked at USS. maybe, i really am wild at heart. i cannot compromise the feeling of carefree for comfort. haha!

so, we went to macs.. where it was like, super noisy. as though people moved the clubbing session to there. so much life! so much chattering! but we were so stoned. we just stared into space for about half an hour before we went to buy big breakfast. ohhhhh! the scrambled eggs! so lovely as it slips down my esophagus! mmmmm. and the coffee. mmmmmm. we just ate and chatted again about stupid stuff, like dreams and peeing in our pants. lol!

after that, cus me and anita cannot go home. so we need to kill time until it was 11am. and when we left macs, it was 6.30am. lol. so walked to mrt toilet and shitted. and we decided to send nei home. so we took train from clarke quay to dhoby. then from dhoby, we took to marina bay and bounced all the way to yishun. anita dropped at yishun also cus she can bus back and waste time while sleeping. and guess what i did! LOL! i took to jurong east and bounced back to dhoby to take 16. lol! but it was a super good sleep. i drooled. X: i felt awake by the time i woke up at dhoby. but my butt was fucking cramping. and i was underground for so long (from 6.40am to about 9 plus) that they didnt allow me to tap out cus i was in there for too long. lol! took bus home, quickly showered, on air con, put dirty clothes in machine and slept. until 2pm woke up for lunch. then ah yi and family came.

well, everytime ken and george come over, they remind me to be focused in my studies. cus they so bloody are! seeing how confident geroge felt about his exams got me motivated to be focused (LONDON LONDON LONDON). hahaha. great catching up with cousins. and i headed back to bed at 6.30pm. then woke up at 10pm. and headed to macs with family for dinner/supper. love! and have been ironing clothes/ watching tv/ blogging till now.

i've changed my blogskin because i wanted to actually put a pic of me looking like im dancing and put those words. and i've decided to go nude for once la. not me, but my blog. everytime i club, and everytime they play a lady gaga song, i'll close my eyes while this few words come through my brain "just dance. everything's gonna be okay". it feels like, suddenly, an extra protective bubble has covered the entire dancefloor where im free from hurt/ reality. and if i dance to the rhythm, im going to be okay. it soothes me as much as it might not be real. but these words, since the first day i clubbed, has always been ringing in my ear. and sometimes even in normal life, i just close my eyes and think of this. hahah. :) its meaningful, like lady gaga (honestly, she seems crazy. but she's already an icon of our generation. admit it whether u like it or not)

okay la. 4am. i miss being on the dancefloor but well, life starts afresh tomorrow. :) goodbye.

p/s: i have been craving for western breakfast for a long long long time and on thursday, i finally did it!

eggs, bacon and ham! and veggie (yucks, but good for health!)

ironically, its not breakfast because i ate it at:

LOL! well, loves.

i have so much so much more in my heart and mind to say it here. well, i'll blog again.

p/p/s: i wanted to start a new blog afresh since this is filled with negativity. but then, its cowardly to "start afresh" just because the going got tough. so yeah.

p/p/p/s:

When i'm leaping from a stone of my life to the other, im lucky enough to have friends and family who would always hold on to my hand to make sure i don't fall into the water. i don't say thank you enough, but just so you know, you are the reasons i smile.


:D thanks.