tomorrow is ah gong's death anniversary. since 2002.. omg. i miss him suddenly. im definitely going to the temple tomorrow. no matter how sleepy i am. i was supposed to be ironing clothes now.. cus i've been procrastinating the whole day. anyhow before i embark on my emo post, i wanna thank my coussies and alb (for being a good sport despite waking u up from ur sleep) for ending my night with a boomz. hahaha. we shud do this again coussies!
ok. it has dawned upon me that, being 20 years old (soon).. means that.. i've just lived 2 decades. and im about to finish off the 2nd decade of my life. which means, it has been 3,650 days since i was 10 years old. and im gonna do a little reflection of this 2nd block of 10 years of my life.
year 2000, im just 10 years old. still in a girl's school. happy that my age has finally become 2 digits. and in primary school, we can only start using the pen when we reach 11 years old. and i felt like an adult.. cus i can use a pen, instead of a pencil. the first 2 years of this block of decade has been the happiest of my life. when chinese new year is always so noisy. when we would be so busy during chinese new year because we need to prepare food/ decos to serve the guests. and yeah. and those were the days i'd remember, when grandma and grandpa will keep arguing. they're forever arguing. cus ah gong had lung cancer, so he prefers to stay upstairs and ahma had her leg just amputated, so she's downstairs. and they will be shouting to each other. in fact, i cant remember a day they ever showed signs of affection. but i knew that they loved each other. cus ahma will sometimes ask me to check on ah gong. ah gong loved me alot. i'd say. ahma preferred my bro. its not THAT bad. but u can tell la. so everytime i go to ahgong's room, i'll sit around his bed.. which he will ask me to get off cus he say v dusty. then i remember i'll open his drawer which has a lot of things .. and i remember he has this roll of plaster thing in one drawer. cus i remembered i fell down once.. and he will take some "magic powder" which is this really smelly bottle of thing.. and put on my wound and put cotton wool and tape it with that plaster. so everytime when i pass by guardian or some pharmacy and i see that roll of plaster (usually reddish in colour), i'd think of ah gong. i miss ah gong. last time in kindergarten, he will make sure i get on the school bus safely.. he'll carry my bag for me. refusing to let the maid bring me down.. and he needs to do it himself. he will bring me to the coffeeshop downstairs and we'd be eating lor mai kai. he loved me alot. but sometimes, when he calls for me, being young and ignorant, i'd be restless and irritated cus i'm halfway through my favourite tv show. i rememebered that when we eat dinner, ah gong will sit seperately from us. and he will always have a whole piece of fish to himself. i dont know why. i remembered, the last few days.. he was in the hospital. i didnt really know what was going on... i remembered, on his last day, we all went to the hospital. and i remembered, sitting at the seats there.. while the adults were in the room, the few cousins and me, all still young.. sat around each other and crying because we knew ah gong was going to die. and when the adults came out, crying .. and it was the first time i ever saw mummy and daddy cried.. we just cried. i remembered that i waited with daddy for the body to come and i couldnt stop crying the moment we went home. i remembered my daddy hugged me.. and when the body came, everyone cried. and the funeral, i never saw so many grown ups cry before. i remembered it was tiring. and i rememebered alyssa and her family flew in for the funeral.. and i remmebered we played catching in the funeral. how insensitive. i remembered i cried alot after he died. but he was very very sick the few weeks before he died. he needed auntie esther to clean up after him. he could only eat porridge. i miss him. and u know one thing about ah gong? he never had a strand of white hair. even on his deathbed. i cant really recall alot about ah gong, cus he was a simple man. quiet. and one thing i inherited from him, is he loves to keep junk. like me. he had 1 storeroom full of things that were from the past. like me. junkie. haha. i remembered there was once ocassion .. for social studies where we had to ask our grandparents about world war II. i asked ahma and she asked me to ask ahgong. and i asked him. i remembered he used to say there was nothing much. lol. and that he used pineapple leaves to make ropes. and they ate alot of sweet potato. he loves teochew porridge. like me. i miss him loads. suddenly, typing all these out, just.. makes it harder. i remembered, after ah gong's funeral, ahma suddenly went to her drawer and started clearing her stuff inside. idk why.
i wanted to blog about life in general.. but i didnt know i can get so emotional just talking about grandpa. can feel my insides wrenching. sigh. tomorrow, it will be 8 years. 8 years since he's gone. 8 years since we shifted to this neighbourhood. 8 whole years.. wow.
Dear ah gong,
i know, over these 8 years, i've been bombarded by work and friends and stupid problems, which slowly buries ur existence in my heart. and i know i havent been thinking alot about u, especially after ahma passed away. i'm sorry. i havent been to ur death anniversaries since the 3rd one. im sorry about that too. but i will go tomorrow. i can't remember a lot about u.. but i remembered how u used to love me. how u would defend me when mummy scolded me. how u would tell me its ok when i cried. how u were there.. quietly for me. how u fixed my toys when they are broken. i miss u. i really really miss you. suddenly, i wanna be that little girl again. i dont wanna club already. i dont want any boyfriends. i dont want any friends. i just want to be your little girl. the little girl u'd bring downstairs to catch butterflies. the little girl whom you'd carry in your arms. the little girl who would playfully sit on ur bed despite u telling me not to. how i'd rest my head on ur hard pillow. i miss you, ah gong. i never told u i love u. u never got to see any of my award ceremonies. im going to graduate soon, ah gong. from the same polytechnic as uncle terry. and i know im such a disappointment for not getting into local universities. and i know, u'd still be proud of me nonetheless, although i know i could have done better. i will work hard in unisim. i will make it to London, ahgong. and when i do make it, i will remember u and ahma as i go on the trip. i can't promise for sure, but u be assured, i'm giving my best this time. maybe i did, but i cant rememeber. but if its not too late, i love you. i remembered when i was in ymca, and when i couldnt sleep during the afternoon naps, i'd go to the toilet and say "ah gong, ah ma, mummy and daddy, please bless me" .. i miss u. and i believe that u came for ahma's funeral. i remembered the sparrow that flew in the middle of the night the night before her crematorial, the bird that was singing. it might be a random thing. but i believed it was u. i know no amount of tears will bring u back.. but just so u know, u'd be alive in my heart. i really am sorry for what i did wrong. i love you.
with alot alot alot of love,
Shirley ( or ah gung, as u always called me.)
p/s: ah gung was a nickname my maid called me last time. no idea what it means. but now, the only person who calls me that is uncle jerry.
shall blog more in depth stuff another time. ciao. early day tmr.
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