discretion: the following post is very fucking selfish. i know there are people out there who have no chance to get education. but, let me be selfish for today.
i need to blog about this weird dream i had last night. it has been bugging me the whole day today and i need to let it out before i forget about it. i can still remember it very vividly! hahah! ok. here goes:
in the dream, i was friends with tay ping hui, gurmit singh and someone whom i can't recall. then we were watching movie together. suddenly, there was a shooting scene in that movie. and there really was real bullets. and it shot tay ping hui and gurmit singh. then they just lied there with blood coming out of their mouths. then tay ping hui told me that i was a good friend and told me to find the killer. gurmit singh told me to cheer up. LOL. then.. i went back home and i gathered my family members and my cousin's family. and i cried very hard. i might even have cried in real life. i told them that tay ping hui and gurmit were dead. then suddenly, that person whom i cant remember hugged me very tightly. and then tay ping hui and gurmit came thru the door. turns out they said that they were healed at the hospital.
and then, the telephone rang. in real life. wrong number. at 10.30am. blahhh! random dream uh?!?!?! i remember it soooo vividly leh. omg. even until now. hahhaha. so.. after that, tried to sleep but father called me to go down to work. so i went down.. sleepily. was a busy day. but i felt good. just photocopying and stapling the entire day. forgot how tiring standing up the whole day can be. had coffee at 3pm. fuck. now im super wide awake. hence, blogging while its pouring outside with jack johnson playing on my dockers [:
came home to know that timetable is out. basically, its 3.30pm to 6.30pm everyday. alternating between maths and econs. well, as mumsy puts it, its the "yellow ribbon" project. what kind of school life would i wanna lead this time? should i focus on studies this time? instead of trying to make a somebody out of myself like in SP. somebody as in, someone with achievements that are non-academic, has a lot of friends and a busy social life. i'll try to strike a balance. but everyone says its really hard to make friends in SIM. i hope not. and well, since school starts at 3.30pm. i shall start gym-ing ba. before gg to school or sth. and got time to read the papers before going to school. so at least, by the end of sim, will be someone who's in touch with the world. really no mood to go to SIM because it has always been the backup plan of my life. its even worse than broadrick. at least, in broadrick, i knew no one and i can be anyone i want and nobody would have known about my past. in SIM, i would probably have to be similar to what people had me in their minds in SP. i dont mean im going to be a people-pleaser which i was. but i dont like to hurt people. so i'd rather be the people-pleaser which makes me feel better. guess the holidays was a lecture on how to lead a quiet life. i guess, my SIM life would be a quiet one. not looking forward. but at least, it has plans in it. i no longer feel lost. and i dont think theres a masters programme for business for UOL. oh well. maybe can still look forward to summer school. have got no idea what to look forward to. nothing seem to be what i want it to be. since its hard to make friends, there prolly wont be new friends to meet. no 1 year london trip? no favourite modules to look forward to considering i regretted choosing accountancy. not looking forward to life in SIM. not looking forward to life after school in SIM. where i'd prolly look at fb, see my other friends who went overseas/ local uni and then look at where i am and feel fucking inferior. not looking forward to life after graduating from SIM. it might be great if i can get my CPA (Certified Public Accountant) after this. it looks good on my business card i guess. or maybe i'll just continue working at dad's shop. i dunno. its 2 years for me to decide what im going to do for the next 50 years of my life. really short short time. sigh.
what happened to the Shirley who was filled with dreams to travel to the wildest places in the world and doing the craziest things? life is stable, yes. too stable. these days, i dont dare to take risks. i dont really have to mood to step forward and be fun anymore. im no longer planning class outings. im no longer the class clown. i dont feel like being one anymore. i used to think, perhaps, i can make my life a different one from the rest of my friends and lead a more unique life. but now, im back to square one. i AM mediocre. i AM average. i will be. for a long long time. i don't know how to lead the life i want. and its so sad because i will only live my life once. ONE TIME. no more than that. i don't even really dare to ask about going clubbing. i wanna club badly because i guess clubbing brings the most un-stable, rebellious, going-out-of-the-norm self out of me. i hate being mediocre and average. lawrence once said, being average is the worst thing that can happen to someone.
i just discovered something. its not rocket science. just common knowledge that nobody admits.
we only look for people when we need them. at least, most of the time, this is the case.
right? we're all guilty of this. we do this to everybody. our best friends, good friends, parents, family members, maybe even spouses? i used to think, why does he/she call upon me only when they need me? then when i realise that i've been realising this for one too many times, i realised that, its only normal that we're like this. i, too, am guilty as charged. i hardly know of anyone who actually are busy.. but make special time just to ask me how i am without asking for a favour. ask urself this, how often do the people u call friends, do this? how often, do u yourself, ask someone how they are with the really sincere and intentional thought in your heart of being concerned with how their lives are? and even if we do this when we're busy, we look for them because we hope they can relieve stress for us, right? or sth along this line. i used to deny this. now, im admitting and accepting this fact. we're only human. so, if this is normal for humans, then.. i might as well go along. maybe, its just me. maybe i've become so practical through this holidays that i've come up with this pretty cruel theory. maybe it just applies to me. but its sad, isn't it?
lol. im super awake. and it was good to catch up with old friends just now. i keep saying that i wanna be myself and wanna say what i truly think. but is it always necessary to act on your feelings? is being politically correct mean that you're supeficial and fake? whats wrong with wanting people around you to be happy at the cost of your own happiness and even integrity? does this make you phony? does this make you a boot-licker? does this make you someone with no backbone? hmm. see? i believe that for EVERYTHING in the world, no matter how good or how bad we think they are, there ALWAYS will be a good AND bad side to it. always.
so having said that, i guess, i'll just have to figure what's good about SIM. i can think of one only though - tingfang. sigh.
No comments:
Post a Comment