It sucks to be me

"door·mat

   /ˈdɔrˌmæt, ˈdoʊr-/ Show Spelled[dawr-mat, dohr-] Show IPA

–noun

1.

a mat, usually placed before a door or other entrance, for people arriving to wipe their shoes on before entering."

well, it really sucks to be me at this point. totally clueless about where life takes me. have been working at dad's place yesterday and today and the only accomplishment i have done: fixed my pair of jack union pumps. [inserts a standing ovation here]. and i am only good at talking about other people. i really just need to get this off my chest:

FUCK U LA RIS LOW (click on her name to see her blog). when life sucks me in the balls, u really have to piss me off by going into my favourite radio station of mine since sec 1, and chase rozz away?!!! she's one of the coolest djs .. why can't u chase soo or desiree lai? go and die la! i really dont care that u teach people safe sex. or that u're fat. or that u cant speak good english. i didnt even care when u were ms universe singapore. BUT IT BUGS ME WHEN U'RE ON 987FM.fuck offfffffff!!!!!! and get rozz back to bitch! omg. pls la. have some goddamn humility! u are a girl eh! and now, u are the laughing stock in town! i dont even know how u walk down the streets anymore? where the goddamn fuck is ur reputation? idk. just GET THE HELL OUT OF THE RADIO STATION LA! damn pissed. for rozz. for me. fuck!

ok. so, i am just capable of telling people off when im no good myself. i am a doormat. i am an aimless person just being pulled around like a puppet by her parents. they dont do that directly, but whatever choices i took, whatever decisions i make, their happiness ALWAYS haunt me. i want to tell them something which they will say "hey, im proud of u". it HAUNTS ME. fuck. they have done such a good job in raising me, the image of them being disappointed HAUNTS ME. big time. i mean it.

it really sucks to be me, doesn't it? oh well, what choice do i have? im in a mood where im so tempted to get a damn air ticket, fly to switzerland, lead a life afresh where im not known, and just run to the mountains everyday, yoddle-ing. maybe meet some handsome swedish pilot boyfriend who will marry me, and we will lead our lives according to the lyrics of "you needed me by Boyzone"
You Needed Me

Boyzone

I cried a tear
You wiped it dry
I was confused
You cleared my mind
I sold my soul
You bought it back for me
And held the earth
You gave me dignity
Somehow you needed me

You gave me strength
To stand alone again
To face the world
Out on my own again
You put me high upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me
You needed me

I can't believe it's you
I can't believe it's you I needed you
And you were there
And I'll never leave, why should I leave?
I needed you & I finally found someone who really cares
(You needed me)

You held my hand
When it was cold
And I was lost
You took me home
You gave me love
That I was at the end
I turned my life
Back into truth again
You even called me 'friend
You gave me strength
To stand alone again
To face the world
Out on my own again
You put me high
Upon a pedestal
So high that I could almost see eternity
You needed me
You needed me
You needed me
You needed me
Oh, yes, you needed me
You needed me

then we can have 5 children and a colourful little house by the country facing the lake.. and everyday i make nice pancakes for them for breakfast, clean and dust the house, go to colourfully-painted markets with overly-cheerful butchers smiling at me, go to my neighbour's house and share secrets to making the perfect cranberry pies, and write some novel about children/ nursery rhymes/ cooking/ chic lits in my spare time, wait for my husband to come back at 6pm sharp, remove his coat, prepare his dinner, cook for the kids, ask how their day was, feeling accomplished when their days turn out well, and try to be a good listening ear when they have had a bad day, go to bed with him after tucking the children in and telling them their favourite bedtime stories and start the day again like that until i die.

yup, believe it or not, the wanna-carve-a-good-career-so-can-support-self-and-lead-a-colourfully-luxurious-life-with-nice-apartment-and-good-car-and-can-travel-widely-when-she-becomes-an-old-maid-for-life Shirley Lim does have little dreams like that. i guess deep down, all women in the world have that little dream. oh well. going to bed now. fuck u ris low. and gonna work for parents tomorrow. not so bad la. bye!