i have changed. i realised that, my perspective on life has changed. ALOT has changed. especially so since the school hols kicked in and i began working, and even so on my perspective on love ever since saturday's clubbing night. And my perspective on life in general.. has changed too. when i asked my spanish colleagues if they were hiring over at Spain, i was quite serious about it.
i have become someone, who takes things alot less serious now. i can let go easier. i am not so stubborn. i see life, as a big picture.. i see it as.. my youth is limited. i no longer see it as having to work hard now so my life gets better in the future. i dont wanna be so serious. especially when it comes to bgr. i wanna see how long i can last without having a guy in my life telling me that im pretty. i know, its like, my life now is really empty. my friends.. i would say, because of work, we have drifted. its because we have no time, it is also because i have changed. i no longer have a lot to look forward. im getting less and less optimistic. im getting to become less and less of a people's person.
i no longer believe that beauty is only skin deep. although i do see beyond someone's looks still.. because.. their personality are as important. but of other people's perspective? i'd rather take the risk and believe that looks are more than skin deep. i mean, today, when i suddenly got the temporary confidence, guys are starting to wink at me? lol. im not kidding. it felt quite good. though they are prolly quite gross and old. but.. it boosted my ego.
i know i have become superficial. but isnt the world so? i mean, everybody judges! everybody do! in ur heart of hearts, u know u judge people upon first impressions. u see a beggar, and assumes he's unhappy. u see someone pretty, u assume she has a good life. i do. i admit. i judge people, ALL THE TIME. yup. i wanna be judged.. by people.. in a good way?
of course, u know whats the negative side of being superficial? sometimes, when people think that ur life is fantastically good, its merely an empty shell. u have 1000 over friends on fb, but no one whom u can turn to when u face problems. u remove the makeup at night, and u frown at ur fucking pimpled face.
sigh! i wanna live life like the people in europe. with passion! everything is done with passion! no passion means its undone! love passionately. do ur work passionately. talk passionately. of course, fight with passion too! lol.. unlike me.. doing everything with the thought of doing it well enough to pass life. I WANNA live life with passion too! but how?? how?? when nothing around me seems to be working. i no longer have the drive to take on a challenge? i'd rather take the backseat now. this is no longer the shirley that existed a year ago. no more...
im no longer looking for a long term r/s now. im just looking for someone to love passionately. even if it means for a short while. i wanna know how it feels to feel head over heels for someone. aiya. talk shit nia. but in the meantime, i wanna just... x= but oh well la. as i've always learnt the hard way, to never depend on anyone.. but myself. but, im always feeling like an invertebrate. i always feel like.. leaning on someone for support, so my life doesn't feel so heavy on me. i always end up relying on people. lol! i dont believe that i need love to suffice anymore. i dont believe i need promises to carry on. i no longer believe that true love exists. at least, not in my world. i feel its quite a bit of crap. really wayy overrated. i can really understand why some people never wanna get married. they probably feel the same way too. flings are so much easier. isn't it? they give u the happiness u want. though not as and when u like. they may not be there to share ur troubles and problems.. but blogging about it and talking it out with a friend should do? and the best part, no promises to hold on to. no hopes held high, because theres no strings attached. no responsibility. so there isn't really an obligation to lie. now i know why more and more of my friends are doing it. lol. i used to think its cheap. but now, it all sounds logical.
stupid stupid shirley. should go isolate myself or something. omg. i really wish vicante would come up to me tmr and ask me, "hola seniorita, would you like to come back to Spain with us to work forever with all expenses paid?" i would jump up and down, rush home, pack bags and fly with them. sigh. wished the gung-ho shirley would come back. i hate the humji bitch that has taken residence in my body. hate it to the max.
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