Sigh.i really feel fucking low, although i just came back from quite a fun pubbing session with nei, martin and the rest. i think is pms.. i really hope it is. maybe is because the caffeine's wearing off. i just feel like crying la. i mean, i hate how im feeling now. i get really really sensitive and irrational whenever i get my pms. i get touchy over he slightest thing, and for some reason, i just get pissed at even the closest people, although its just a tiny weeny error? its like, i get really grumpy easily, and its not the jokingly grumpy.. its the.. really feel blood boil kinda grumpiness. ohmygoose. please just go away. i ahte feeling like this. my heart feels heavy. GAHHHH. it feels like a million tons of muscle is just behind my chest..
and i keep looking at ppl's facebook, i really cant help it. and seeing them, getting called for interviews for uni and even uni interviews, and all their rich and enhancing social lifes, i feel happy for them, but at the same time, resenting why i dont get the same too? i know, everyone's life is individual and unique. but ya. its just that, u know.. i feel i dont have much to live for at this moment. my life now, is basically working.. and ocasionally getting asked to dinner. nothing satisfying. nothing to work hard for. nothing to achieve. just.. so so monotonous. and i cant think of anything else to spice things up. fucking sucks. just feel like crying lor. it has to be pms. go away. gooo away... everybody's lifes seem to be going uphill.. and mine, just going down a steep slope. its like, i really can no longer muster the courage to do things on my own anymore. im so used to being loved by my friends especially during the whole of year 3 .. that i forget how to love myself. plus, after being involved in bgr stuff also has had its impact on my independence. i feel its hard to be emotionally independent. but sometimes, when u have no help around, the only way of getting back on your own two feet, is to stand up.
i really hate to smile when im not happy. but i do that alot. especially recently. its fcking superficial. i miss smiling from my heart. u know? today, i managed to laugh from deep down.. haha. it felt good. but ya. if u know me well enough, u know when im smiling from my heart and when im not. though i look prettier when i smile the superficial smile. i look ugly and pathetically unglam when im truly smiling.. cus all the gums and teeth showing. haha. ya. but in life, u have to be politically correct to be accepted. and i'd rather be accepted. anyway, fake smile is better than a genuine frown. what good is there from a frown? sometimes a fake smile will become a genuine one.
ok. brighter note. realised that i will be getting money from 3 different sources. on the sad side, i need to get through 20 days with just $56 in my bank. i guess, judging from my pathetic social circle, its doable. just that, im gg clubbing on 17th. for anita's birthday. so..... x= really gotta savee. fuck. but then, anwyays, while scanning boring documents today, i realised that, if i can survive past 30th April, omg, i will be a survivor! and a pretty rich one as well. [[= but that is, if i survive. i will .. plan well for my money. ok, here's a rough guide on what i am gonna do with it..
1. give 10% of whatever salary i have to my parents.
i have always been giving them a small dinner treat whenever i got my pay. like the last time, i bought chilli crab! and the previous time, a half chicken. so.. yup. this time, cash. cus im gnna be 20 soon. i cant depend on them forever. and i guess its good habit to start now.
2. put $300 into a fixed deposit account
im damn sian of keep saying stuff like "omg i wanna go switzerland!" and never got about doing it. im going to save. and to stop me from spending.. its going into a fixed deposit. so gnna hunt for banks with better interest rates. if, i can sustain $300 for a month, and maybe when i stop working.. $100 a month.. i'll prolly get $1600 at the end of this year. and maybe, with better luck and qualification, i can get better paying jobs.. and maybe, within 3 years, i might have saved enough for a trip to switzerland. if by then, i cant find a khaki to go with, i will go alone. hahah! i have been wanting to try travelling alone. so .. haha. we'll see. if nt, i can alwys use the money to pay the down payment for a small car? haha. also can right. i was thinking abt investing my salary in shares. but then, seriously, if i buy 1 lot of shares, im gnna earn like $10 only eh for every few cents that rise. and its not worth it. so, nt now...
2. pay my creditors
hahahaha. v. paiseh, cus to tide over this time, i needed to borrow funds from martin. x=
3. get an ipod touch 3rd gen! 16gb pls!
hhahahaha! its really v sian to have to remove songs from my ipoood to get space for my videos. then when i randomly feel like hearing those songs, they're not there? ya. woo. plus can dl apps! hahaha
4. buy the national geographic book
this is a very long wish le. its $65 to travel around the world. in my imagination. hahaha.
5. dye my hair
haha. ya.
6. buy essentials
make up remover. fuck. in fact, i think i have to dip into my pathetic bank acc to buy that. oh well. seems like its bread talk for lunch once again.
7. get a weighing scale
i havent weighed in for months! i confirm put on weight le la. cus of all the junk food. sian. so need to go back to my self-conscious attitude once again. sud start eating salad again le la.
i wanna go back to sydney. haha. anyway, something philosophical to share with u. im not sure if its fate who wants me to read it, but i have been reading these words on a poster pasted in my dad's shop since forever and i forgot abt it, until just now.. so here goes:
人生在世数十年
忧愁常是为了钱
贫穷生活非可怜
健康无病最延年
本身就是黄金屋
何必强求他方物
粗茶淡饭加豆腐
知足常乐最幸福！
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