Shirley the ????

I went to school just now. supposed to have met up with nei. but we were supposed to meet at 9am and when i called at 9am, he was still asleep. his mum had to wake him. blah, so went to find my old friend/ lecturer, Mr John Foo alone. so, walking down to SP and to his office and since i went at 9am, the timing when most lectures were starting.. saw so many people.. going to school. fuck fuck fuck. i wished i was them. really. so much memories. so much memories.. the times we went to eat lunch, drink my chinchow, find lecturers.. now everything has changed.. the friendship that were there once upon a time, is no longer there. people changed. and i have changed. now, we're basically just friends for namesake. im just going along.. for namesake. what kind of friend does this kinda things to their friends? lol. whatever.

who am i? i was in the what-seemed-like-20-years train ride home.. and i cried. lol. so lame. also no reason .. cry for what? luckily no one saw. so paiseh. its just that, i was thinking, who am i? i kinda relate to the song "viva la vida"..

I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own

I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing
"Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"

One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand..

i remember the times i was in SP. those former glory. when i was in the "good course" accoutancy. i was the editor of the yearbook. the director knew my name. the deputy directors talk to me like im a friend. when i walked down the foodcourt everyday for lunch, i never fail to not meet anyone i know. turn a corner, and i'd meet a familiar face. now, what am i? a reject. an outcast. someone who doesn't know who her friends are anymore. someone who's face and expressions are nothing if not for show. someone who is happy over superficial things. im just a nobody now. so who is shirley?

last time, i would have been able to say that shirley is:

1. part of the boomzers
2. a student of SP
3. a member of SMART
4. a member of yearbook committee
5. assistant class rep of dac/04
6. listening ear to people who needs them
7. gossipmonger
8. daughter of albert lim and doreen lee
9. sister of gerald lim
10. cousin of lorraine and lionel tan

now? i've lost so much of what has attributed to shirley lim over the past 3 years. im now, almost reduced to nothing. i was actually very very very sad and sian? because, i feel that i've lost a sense of belonging. i no longer know who i am. nothing substantial now makes my life. its like, someone put a timebomb into my life and blasted it. then now, its just debris. and perhaps, i've been looking for someone to help me pick them up. but.. life isn't scripted. what if no one will pick them up with me? i dont mean a boyfriend. i just mean, someone. anyone? i hang on to life from day to day. don't know what will come next. just..plan as i go along.

i dont wanna try to be sociable already. i used to.. try to squeeze my way into being part of the "big group" of "friends". just like in uss. just like in primary school. and just like in secondary school. i will never be the person to fit in. maybe i've tried too hard. so what if i can't fit? whats the point if its forced? u can never squeeze a square peg into a round hole. never. that fact remains. perhaps, because i managed to do it once in poly, i thought i really was sociable. what naive thinking. i'd probably be the girl who sticks out like a sore thumb. the one people have to ask about just for the sake of giving me face. i don't want this. i used to want to have a lot of friends. and i always fuss that i do not have enough friends. but whats the point? like what i used to say (though didnt 100% believe in): i'd rather have 1 true friend than 100 fair-weather friends. i guess now, i am starting to feel this statement. but then again, we can't always be reliant on the true friend. guess i'll need to be independant lor. i mean, honestly, i have relying alot on friends to contribute to who i am. but i think i'll only know how to do so soon. hopefully. miss the times when i was contented with being with myself. maybe, i shud really go watch mika alone! haha.

oh well la. just.. at least just now, when i submitted the volunteer form (yes, bert, i submitted already. so im not lazy ><), and the person kept thanking me, it felt good. of course, not because he thanked me, which is lame.. but because, i made an impact in someone else's life. perhaps, thats how it feels? maybe for once, i should think of .. others instead of what's best for me? sounds like a saint! lol. hopefully, things will go okay. no longer wish for things to go at its best. ok is fine for me now. being mediocre might not be so bad afterall.

i know my christian friends always tell me about god's plans. god's plans. although im not a god believer, but i am curious, if there really was a god, what would His plans be for me? and what if im left out? maybe im just someone who was accidentally removed from his system? maybe.. his secretary threw my name into the shredder by accident. maybe they thought my plans was a piece of joke. what's my goal in life, i wonder? what am i born to do? am i here to be a joke? be an accountant? be a writer? be a volunteer? be a wife? be a mother? be a mother without being a wife? be a sweeper? what?? what am i supposed to be??? gosh. im not even in my mid life and im having a crisis. lol! wonder what i will do when i DO hit mid life crisis? kill myself? fly to switzerland? sleep around? become someone's mistress? climb a tree? yoddle? what???? omg.

WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING IN THIS WORLD?