how does it feel like to have fun?

sigh. although alot of events has happened since the last exams, i don't think i have had much fun as compared to before exams. it felt like, i basically went through those events... just feeling superficially happy and not the through-and-through-ly happy. just, i don't really know how to have fun these days. really. i feel like i'm actually holding alot of myself back when i am supposed to be having fun. its like, i forgot how to just let loose and let all the lame shit poop out of my mouth anymore. only with some people that my verbal nonsense can work. with other people, its quiet and awkward and formal. its fucking so not me. just.. its just not me to hold back, especially after poly. it WAS me to hold back when in secondary school. but i'd rather be looked upon like a fool than to be all uptight and serious. i used to wanna beat the stereotypes and create a profile of my own. these days, im slowly falling into the moulds of society's stereotypes. i've painted my toenails BLACK! thats stereotypical. i've dyed my hair back to its original colour. stereotype. im wearing tees and shorts/skirts.. stereotypical. what happened to the girl who refuses to fall in and follow everyone else? where was the shirley who wanted create a style of her own and happiness in her own definition? why am i following people again? why am i so lethargic and lazy to think on my own feet? omg. how the hell am i going to bring me back? i used to be... sensitive about how people feel... i used to be less selfish. i used to care about what people think and thats why, i try to be as people-pleasing as i can. but when i try to become more me and me, i feel selfish. sigh. maybe i'm never the sociable one. like in primary school. maybe, deep in the core of me, i'm a wallflower. ]: gahhhhh. Life ahead.................................................. looks sooooo gloomy. shoo dark clouds, shoo!