i havent been very contented with my life over these few months, especially since i left poly. the thing is, i've realised that there are actually alot more outings and social events this year as compared to last year. i think i kinda found out why i wasn't contented:
1. there was a change in my finances. only starting from this year, i forbidded my father to put in money into my bank account. last time, he'd keep replenishing it to make it reach $1,000. not showing off. but just realising. all the money in my bank, is mine. either from (my rightful allowance) or my blood and tears. so this year, my spending power REALLY decreased significantly. last time, i can have both my social gatherings AND weekly shopping sprees? i remember getting new clothes every week leh. im serious. now, its only one shopping spree a month, if not, none. and somemore only at F21. i STOPPED topshop and dp. i only dare look at accessories. this really makes me feel super out of touch when it comes to fashion and stuff. i havent bought anything more than $50 per piece from topshop. in fact, now, i consider anything above $50 expensive! I USED TO BUY $89 JEANS without blinking. now, yeah. i just slammed myself into the reality of adulthoo - the feeling of not having any backups. although my mum still will give me $20 at month end when she knows i dont have enough.. and ocassionally.. under very very desperate times, i'll whip out my credit card.. but other than that, its purely my own money. cus i've been working for 2 months? so i had quite high income and last month, i really wasnt used to the suddenly-no-income thing. and i spent all of my allowances in 1 week. nice. so had to withdraw from the fixed deposit meant for london. ohmygawd. yeah. but i've really grown up, slowly.. at baby steps. i slowly realise.. how it feels to REALLY feel broke. yeah. thats why, not many shopping sprees this year. OMGOSH. i miss far east plaza!!!! fucking miss that fucking place!!
2. its just that, i have always figured university life to be super buzzing and brimmed with parties and friends. and suddenly, it just seemed so toned down compared to my poly life. not that i had alot of parties and friends.. but poly life was more buzzing than secondary school life .. so i naturally thought uni life would be more buzzing than poly life. and seeing how so many of my friends are having the buzzing life too.. hahha. it kinda gets to me. even my SIM friends. and then, there's me. spending saturday nights alone.. well.. i guess i can get used to this kinda life..
its just that, i kinda lost the zest in my life. last year i had yoga and the funny yoga aunties. and occasional jobs and also, because i just started out the drinking nights and clubbing thing.. there was a thrill. now, its not as exciting anymore. weird how when u thought ur life would be quiet, and it turns out noisy and i remmebered how i wasnt home almost every saturday! where the fuck was i?!?! gahhhh. well, i guess slowly, i just get used to the quiet life. the occasional hangout with my close friends. i mean, i guess life changes.
but i guess, its nothing wrong. im calmer.. and i do spend more time with my family.. haha. enjoy dinners more and just have more family time lor. yup. allows me to think properly also. hhaha. i mena, i used to lead a life where i was so much stronger at dealing with being alone. i could watch mvoies alone. have dinners alone. and now, i find it abit embarrassing (and expensive) to eat alone outside. haaha. i think i wanna watch "precious". think i can watch that alone. its an inspiring show. and also, i soooo can't wait for bridget jones 3 to come out leh!
ok. back to being the hermit crab. haha. safe in my shelf and just enjoy life while it is at its calmest. hahaha. hmmm... maybe, it isn't so bad afterall. hopefully can catch up with some old friends this month though. huiwen has recently msged me. daniel fang's back! and augusta has been talking to me tooo. soo yup. hahaha. i havent caught up with these people FOR YEARS! especially augsta. 8 years leh. hahaha. well.. she's so happily attached now leh. hahaha.
really.... of all the graduates from IJ OLN seriously are ether pretty, smart, sucessful, attached or simply, ALL of the above. and i'm neither. quite disheartening lor. oh well. but wel, i feel im succesful in my books. hahaha! need to praise myself a little. i mean, its ur life.. u determine what success is. what good is. what bad is. even if it doesn't follow society's yardstick.. its still your own. because its ur life, its ur own thoughts that count. but unfortunately, alot of people don't really realise that. we see what the market standards are, then follow those standards and think we really have to follow these standards. i am fucking guilty of that. but we must always constantly realise this. i mean, we all have our own limits and strengths. yeah. i mean, there are times when i can do well... but i know that i dont deserve 100% credit for the good work. but there are also times when i get results i dont think i deserve. unfortunately, life's like that lor. so, u have to appreciate the process. not the results. yeah, easier said than done. but i guess its just some words of comfort i can give myself.. hahaha!
well, i had a great time listening to enrique iglesias songs!! so nice. so sexy. ok la, guess im off now. ciaos.
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