the moment i stepped into the house, i just sat on the floor and broke down. with josh groban blasting through my earphones. im not doing this to gain any sympathy but right now, my blog's the only avenue for me to vent. and i need to before i go crazy. i really don't know what i cried for. i just kept shouting for ah gong and ah ma. i guess, all these years, i thought that my life was fulfilling. perhaps, im wrong. maybe it has always been an empty shell. just that on the outside, the shell looks beautiful and all but now, its all hollow. i don't know how long it has been empty for. maybe just recently. maybe it has been for a long time. i don't know. but i know that suddenly, it just felt so heavy on my shoulders, i can no longer support it. i just need to put it down for a while. im pretty sure alb would be disappointed with me if he reads this. luckily he got confined. by the time he reads this, i should be okay, right?
maybe regina is right. i have changed. and even i cannot recognise who this is anymore. especially since i headed to sim. i've become selfish. that i saw. i guess, we've all changed. i was typing alot of emo things on the train, wanting to post it up. but i deleted them. whats the point. whats the point of crying? perhaps, this really is adulthood. i have perhaps just stepped on the "welcome" mat of adulthood. maybe this is a wake up call from god or whoever manages my life.. telling me to stop acting like a kid. to stop whining everytime something doesn't go my way. to stop being so naive anymore. i've started online dating because i knew that my life has changed. and my friends have all moved on. and i just needed to find someone to fill up the void. thats why i went to that website. isn't it shameful? im going to put a stop to all this nonsense.
life may not be like last time anymore.. where we make friends which we place the tag "best friends forever" on. life isn't the same anymore. now, only 3 people in the entire world knows my blog. i used to enjoy the attention of letting others read my blog. then i realise i had to account to all these people. what for? its tiring. it doesn't bear any good.
i have a lot a lot of insecurities but i always laughed them off. im insecure that at my age, im bigger than a lot of girls. i think im ugliest among my friends. whenever i know a guy comes into my life, i somehow mentally prepare myself that he might go to my friends. and i must be able to embrace that. im insecure about the fact that, one day, all my friends will leave me because they no longer find that i add any value to their lives. i feel insecure that what will i do when my parents are gone? when i needed an emergency fund, who would give me the extra $50 to top up my EZ link card? im insecure that i will break my promise to be a wanderluster.
i've always wanted to be the girl everyone wants to be. whether in terms of grades, or popularity, or beauty, or the best boyfriend, or the best writer, or the person with the most interesting life. i strive to fit into those but i always fall short. somehow, the people around me, they seem to fit into either of these categories very well. and me, im nothing near any of those. and i get insecure. and i laugh it off. but it isn't completely gone. its still there. right now, these are no longer important. i've long stopped accounting to people. the most i want, is for my parents and grandparents to be proud of my efforts. not just in terms of school. but in life. maybe im saying all these because i'll never measure up and im just trying to make myself look good. maybe. maybe not.
i miss it that in the past, whenever i encountered a bad day in school, i could tell ah gong or ah ma or my pikachu and they'll give me the courage to go back to school the next day. i remember when i was in kindergarten, during naptime, i would hide in the toilet for a while and pray to god (though am not christian/catholic) to bless my family. im nothing without them. absolutely dirt. im very scared that when i grow up and become materialistic, i'd forget all these. in fact, in my poly years, i've forgotten why my mum keeps nagging or that my dad keeps calling my handphone whenever im out very late at night. i am their treasure. all the children in this world are treasure to their parents. because in our parents' lives, we are a major change in their life. suddenly, their lives become second priortity to ours. and i always forget this and i end up being angry at them, doing things to secretly defy them, like go clubbing, smoke and other dishonorable things.
actually, until now, i still wont regret saying something. and that is, my friends are the reason why im here also. in a way or another, without them, i'll be nothing like this today. my life would be alot darker. my heart would be alot lonelier. my eyes would be alot blinder. although they are reasons why sometimes i get frustrated but they are definitely the reasons i stand up tall.
somehow i wished life would rewind itself back to the past. to that point in around january where the last term of poly started and everyone tried to live their lives as though there won't be another tomorrow because life in poly was ending. i wished i could go back to the life where my everyday was filled with laughter and jokes and friends. where there wasn't a day i walked to school alone. where i turned at every corner and i see a familiar face. where everyone knew one another and we'd greet each other and stuff.
whatever it is, this is reality. all those, they're just memories. this is my reality: im alone now. i know i still have friends. but deep down, i know im probably am alone. suddenly i realise how heavy the baggage is. its just that, all these while, reggie has been helping to carry also. and i guess i took that for granted. it'll probably be tough ba. but as alb always tells me, im stronger than i think i am. and i shall prove him right. well. yup. life goes on. i still do hope i can start a clean slate with her. in the meantime, my life really needs a big fix up. okay. time to dry those tears. the road down is.. probably a cold and lonely one. i can do it.
well, anyway, one of the reasons i guess i suddenly opened up and cried was because of josh groban. i must remember to listen to him whenever i need strength. it helps.
Don’t give up
It’s just the weight of the world
When your heart’s heavy, I
I will lift it for you
Don’t give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you, I
I will break it for you
Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don’t give up
Because you are loved
Don’t give up
It’s just the hurt
That you hide
When you’re lost inside, I
I’ll be there to find you
Don’t give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you I
I will shine to guide you
Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don’t give up
Because you are loved
You are loved
Don’t give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Everyone needs to be heard
You are loved
Thanks josh groban. and those who kinda made this easier. one more breakdown and i am going to move on. im honestly very very scared and terrified you know?
and also, i've decided to give facebook up. im not going to twitter.com anymore. because i dont wanna know the life of my best friend (is she still wants to be) through some social network. i think i might go back to fb cus i owe alot of people their pictures. but i just need to stay off it for the moment.
-breaths in- well. here goes.
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