social detox - day 1

8.25am: okay. So far so good. Lol. Have only accidentally/subconsciously clicked on the fb bookmark. Ok, have only checked soulpancake's new replies but have replied to none. Im so fucking sleepy. Why cant i sleep properly these days? Its like, i've been so exhausted from all the running around during the weekends, i know im tired but come last night, i couldnt sleep till 3am. fuck my biological clock. Am having nice piping hot cup of kopi o. Omg. I rlly hope i can stick to this. I'll come out of this a new person! Anyway saw derrick otw to school. Nice start to the week of social detox. U knw, besides social detox, i need one for my body also. Is like, i tried to have steamed bun today and i walked past the fridge and couldnt help but take the crabstick/chicken salad sandwich. Gahhhh.. The mayo. Hmm, anyway, yesterday was reading abit of eat.pray.love and she reminded me of having consistant love for travelling. I mean, yah! Thats what im lacking in my life! Consistent and constant love for a certain activity. Thats why im never good at one thing but instead, im mediocre at alot of things. If i succeed this detox, im gnna reward myself with toffeenut latte! Yay xmas! Plus i realise now, i can blog again because i now have time! All these while since sec 3.. Blogging has been in my blood. And often, because of busy social calendar, i neglect it. Hahahah well, im back! Ok. Its 830 and adrian hasnt started lecture. Gahhh. Wearing eiffel tower sweater today, but is making me sneeze. Okok. Shall get ready now! Btw, im living today on a 2.50 budget.. So far, i've alr spent $2. Lol. Okok. Gahh, i hope he txts today but u see, we kinda got into a small argument ytd. Hope all's well. Cus u knw, ppl on cold turkey of any sorts will be cranky. Ok. Shall update again! ciao!

9.30am - omg. He confirm woke up and at work already and he's nt texting? Maybe he rlly doesnt like me even as a human being? Sigh. Really hate how bgr can be so... Fluctuating .. Worse than stock market? I mean, he should msg me first. I really cannot swallow my pride and msg him first. I wished he would txt me first.. ok. Stick to the rules.. Not gonna txt unless texted to. I'll see how long it'll take for him to txt. I've cleared my inbox. So is a fresh start. So sad how we were still so enthu on friday and sat and the first half of yesterday. Blahhh. i feel so empty without fb though. Ok. Shirley, u can do it!

9.44am - sigh. Im 20. Practically adult. I've been single for 20 years. I dont consider the previous attempts to enter the dating world as proper dating. I should be stronger than this eh. I may not be attractive or skinny or smart or have a bf or am super sociable, but what i have is dignity. Even if i dont feel confident, or though im exploding from not txting him, but i have my dignity. Need to keep my head high. Ok. -breaths in- ok. I can do this. I just crave for anyone to txt me! Ok. Cannot say like this cus sometimes, it might end up being someone u dont wanna hear from. But ohhhh fuck. I want the attention! Dont judge me, we all want the attention can.. gahhhhh. That fucker. Ok. I cannot lose the dignity. Oh fuck. Is only 1 hour plus since 830! Deaddddddd....

10.30am - how am i to survive the day without my socio friends????? Hahahaha. Just now we had a break and we were discussing which sociologists belonged to who as husband. Wint got tang, wx got durkheim, huilin got goffman, eileen got spencer. Lol! Me? I got a random young black guy. Lol. Sigh. i just cannot stop checking my phone out. Checking to see it vibrated or not. Checking to see if i missed any msgs. Sigh. Well, apparently not. Why do i always HAVE TO include reality into life so quickly??? if only i was more patient. Sigh. I think i've ruined what was supposed to be good. Gah. But is nt all my fault lor. Gahhhh. Anyway, i dont need a man to make me happy. Ive been okay without a man right? So i shud still be! Hahaha. Now listening to durkheim's podcast. Fucking boring. Zzzzzzzz. Omg. Msg me msg me msg me! every minute passes and my expectation of him msging drops a notch. Anyway, was looking into the mirror and ohmyfuck. My face is super bloated and fat. i realised im rlly big sized. Sigh! Compared to the other petite small girls. Sighhhh. Fuck pms la.. always taking a blow at my ego. Ohhhhhh. Msg me msg me msg me!

12.05noon - nope, no news at all from him. Maybe he really dislikes me. or maybe he's busy at work. Or maybe, hes trying to be busy at work so it can be a legitimate reason to ignore me? Its so obvious and i swear that i am not sensitive lor. In pbf class. Wanna jian fei so ate half a big pau. The amount of fats in there is.. Quite alot. Ok. Sigh. Am pretty cranky. Was looking at the mirror just now.. Omg. My fucking decoloured hair, with clipped up fringe and.. Pale and dull looking face... Omg. Wtf. What have i become? Gosh. Fuck studies. Im gnna get my fuckin bangs back alr. I need my personality back. Im too weak. I dont wanna be weakand rely on guys. I dont want any guy, just one who shares the same chemistry with me, loves me and i love him back. Ok. Pbf time. Super super cui and tired...

12.35noon- dozed off when he texted. Oh fuck. and i replied immediately. Ohfuck. im desperate arent i? Pathetic noobcake. teeheehee. im so fuckin sleeeppyyyyy. I wanna go cut hair after school.

12.45pm - im doomed. Why am i so .. gahhh. Hate it. Shall turn vibration off. Maybe he just msg me cus he's .. Idk, pity me? Lol. Okok. Lessons.

12.55pm- gahhh im honestly sick of her using me leh. Fuck. Like, need to cut hair, find me, and just when i thought i shudnt be so petty, she goes and cut hair w other ppl. Then she contacts me when she needs my notes. Fuck. Rlly sian lor. im doing all this base of our past friendship. Guess there nothing in depth to talk about our friendship anymore huh. zzz.

1.30pm - well, whats his problem? Msg once and stop, rlly hate this kinda attitude. half here half there. Gahhhh. Fuck la. Omg. So grumpy. I rlly dun need him lor if i dun want it. Rlly. I mean, wtf? Oh well. I fuck care alr lor.

1.55pm - back from break. Ok. Seriously am going to keep my phone in the bag until lessons are over. keep looking at phone is.. Madness. U knw, i dont like to play dating games. Why cant bgr be simple and comes out from the heart? Why?! maybe, is just me being fucking sensitive. C'mon, we're adults. We act spontaneously right? We should do just what we wanna do and now, i dont wanna see my phone. So yup, i wont. Wtf. Im nt gnna play the dating game, cus i dun even know the rules. Ok. lessons.

3.10pm - wtf! On my way to dover mrt, saw this rlly feeble uncle who needed the railing to move about. And there was this couple who were cuddling against the railing. Sigh. Uncle tried to tell them to move but they didnt. Sigh. I didnt do anything again. wtf. So coward. Omg. Damn disappointed in myself. Really. Based on what should i love others when i cant even stand up for that uncle?! If i felt helpless, uncle must have felt worse. But luckily the last time i checked, the couple moved. So i guess thats alright. Sigh. So disappointed la.

3.35pm - am on train to bugis. there was this uncle who came in.. Seem prett wobbly to me cus he was carrying a walking stick. There was this what seem to be local uni grads, sitting in the 2nd and 3rd seat from the door, he saw the uncle lor. But fuck, he never stand up.. Okk. The reserved seat was seated by this man who had heavy item with him. But the second guy just refused to let his seat up. Wtf.. Wear white shirt, use blackberry, have a degree, using a macbook .. For what? Wtf. So stupid lor. I wanted to stand up for the uncle but im scared i'll humiliate the uncle. Damn fucked up la, well, this is what u get when u breed elitism isnt it? they'll probably know how to put the word 'ethical' in paper and score distinction for civics and moral ed, but cant even put it into practical use. Lameass.

3.45pm - just met up with morgan. Omg. Love her to bits. just seeing her alone makes me smile lor. Hahhaha.. I wished i was a guy, lol. I'd so jio her. Hahhahhaa. But too bad im a girl and straight. Oh well, my fellow bimbo! Ahhahah. Passed her wallet and mp3 to her. I can't wait to sleep tonight.

3.50pm- is it possible to be single for too long that you forget how it feels to be loved?? Suddenly, im filled with fear. Im gnna meet up with him soon. And im scared. Im nt scared that he gives me the cold shoulder or that he runs away.. Im scared of being in a relationship. It makes me wanna ... Squeal? hmmmm..

4.10pm - in gattaomo now. Super sleepy and i feel .. Yeah. Actually i realise that im super scared eh. I mean, ya, i've always wanted a bf. As i was just thinking through about me and him, i felt.. Vulnerable all of a sudden. Like, stripped naked in public. And well.. I just realised how this all seem like as though i'm about to enter a cave with fire breathing dragons. In fact, it feels scarier. Because i feel so exposed. i dun mean sexually. But emotionally. Aiya. Worry so much for what. Chances of me even being in a r/s is lower than striking toto anyway. Ok la. Gnna change hairstyle soon

5.40pm - i am officially the happiest girl on earth. I've got my bangs nw and jenzson just helped me layer my hair blow dry until very very nice. :) he really is genius. Today we were all very chatty. Chatted with the girl and the other singapore guy. Lol. Very funny lor. plus, i bought chippy's fish and chips for meself! I cant be bothered to lose weight already lar. Ahhahhahahaha. I was in heaven eating the deep fried, crispy fish covered in salt and lotsa vinegar! Hoho. Now i can go home, no need to wash hair plus can sleep for as long as i want! Happiness. :) okie dokie. Shall wait for bus. I dun rlly care about him or any other guys alr. Shall drink green tea tmr to offset the fat intake today! Zomg. I rlly never regret la. Hahahahah... Hurrah!

10.30pm-just woke up from sleep. Slept at 7pm. Still groggy. Gahhh

10.45pm- sigh. there are 3 special men in my life other than my dad and bro.. Alb, nei and martin. Tmr nei's gg in le. Haiz. One less source of laughter.. Q scared he go in and so innocent until kenna bullied. Haha. Sure miss hanging with them.. Oh well. they rlly motivate me u know? While im thinking of them being so xin ku in there, i feel i should be.. Independent and mug hard. Like alb always tell me, 'hey, enjoy life for me hor' haahahhaah. Sigh.